Eat The Poor (Live)

by Jonny & The Baptists

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about

The live album of the songs from our show 'Jonny & The Baptists: Eat The Poor', taken from shows over the course of 2016.

credits

released November 11, 2016

All songs written and performed by Jonny & The Baptists (c) 2016. Recorded and mixed by Matt Blair, Paddy Gervers & Will Young. Live at the Distraction Club (1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 12), ARGCOM Festival (9, 10), Bedfringe (3) and Guildford Fringe (5, 11, 13). Photo by Anna Soderblom.

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Jonny & The Baptists London, UK

Comedy band 'Jonny & The Baptists' (Jonny Donahoe and Paddy Gervers) have risen rapidly to cult-status in the last year, making the finals of the 'Amused Moose Laughter Awards', the '2013 New Act of the Year Awards' and the 'Musical Comedy Awards', and being featured on 'The Now Show' (BBC Radio 4), 'The Infinite Monkey Cage' (BBC R4), 'The Gadget Show' (Channel 5) and 'Sketchorama' (BBC R4) ... more

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Track Name: Swansong
Our country's so unequal, we still bow down to the Queen
We'd love to ditch the Royals and their elitist regime
They're too popular to topple, their reign goes on and on
And if that wasn't bad enough the Queen owns all the swans

So we'll nationalise the swans
Free them from her reign
If they can break your arm
Then we can break their chains
Then we'll turn them on the Queen
An army made of swans
And we'll give them small guitars
And teach them protest songs

And they'll go
Honk honk honk honk honk
Honk honk free the people
Honk honk honk honk honk
Honk honk give us more bread

Emancipate the swans
They'll emancipate us too
The Swan Liberation Army
Will make all our dreams come true
They'll save the NHS
And bring back free school meals
Then they'll save BHS
With their feathery leftwing zeal

But the swans have gone fucking mad
And everything's gone wrong
They're honking and biting and hissing and fucking
And everything's covered in swans
The power's gone to their heads
And their heads are really small
We need actual social reform
Instead we've got angry swans

And they go
Honk honk honk honk honk
Honk honk we're in charge now
Honk honk honk honk honk
Honk honk where's my bread?

[Swan noises and shouting about Swans]

SWANS.
Track Name: Short Songs
1. Little Prince George is funny looking
And neither of his parents are very bright
He wouldn't do so well in a meritocratic society
But don't worry we don't have one

2. Whoops there's your bum

3. You take some chords and you write some words
And you sing the words and there might be a rhyme
But sometimes there's not and that makes you laugh
Cos you're easily led
Track Name: Why Did We Brexit?
PADDY: Some of us were voting tactically
JONNY: Some wanted money for the NHS
PADDY: Some of us were scared of World War Three
JONNY: Some of us read the Daily Express


JONNY; Some wanted one thing but voted the other
JONNY; And didn't understand what a referendum was
PADDY: And who can blame them, after first past the post
JONNY: Which is about as democratic as duck duck goose


PADDY: So why did we Brexit,
BOTH: And is that a verb?
PADDY: Was Bremain a word as well?
JONNY: Did they lose 'cos that portmanteau's rubbish?


JONNY: What is the plural of referendum?
PADDY: Is it refendum or referenda
JONNY: I think referendum is a gerund
PADDY: What's a gerund?
JONNY: It's a sort of present participle


PADDY: Have you checked the dictionary?
JONNY: Yes I looked earlier, both plurals are accepted
PADDY: Does that mean that both sides are correct?
JONNY: No, it means the argument will never end


BOTH: So why did we Brexit?
BOTH: And is that a verb?
PADDY: No one liked the campaign
JONNY: No one voted for Theresa May
Track Name: A List of Millionaires Who Voted for Cuts to Tax Credits in November 2015 (Dickvalves)
Philip Hammond, Caroline Spelman, Dominic Grieve, David Cameron
Andrew Mitchell, Theresa May, Ken Clarke, Zac Goldsmith
Andrew Lloyd-Webber, Michelle Mone, Anthony Bamford, Karren Brady
Simon Wolfson, Jonathan Marland, George Osborne, Karan Bilimoria
Stanley Kalms, Stanley Fink, Philip Harris, Stephen Green
Jeremy Hunt, Sebastian Coe, Sebastian Coe


What a bunch of dickvalves, what a load of tit quest a l'orange
What a bunch of dickvalves, what a lotta of salmon, wangos, frube?


Philip Hammond Bum Puffin
Caroline Spelman No Shadow
Dominic Grieve Tool-job
David Cameron Anti-Falcon
Andrew Mitchell Strunk
Theresa May Nut Platter
Ken Clarke Smell Gift
Zac Goldsmith Ham Salad
Andrew Lloyd-Webber Whelk
Michelle Mone Spam Shagger
Anthony Bamford Frog Nugget
Karren Brady Smelly Bottom
Simon Wolfson Poo Head
Jonathan Marland Awful Face
George Osborne Goose Plopper
Karen Bilimoria Babum Kiliboria
Stanley Kalms Oh no
Stanley Fink I'm tired
Philip Harris Y-Front
Stephen Green Professor of Butts
Jeremy Hunt Oh no
Sebastian Coe Sebastian Coe
Sebastian Coe Sebastian Coe
Sebastian Coe


What a bunch of dickvalves, what a load of tit quest a l'orange
(You know they’re all a bunch of) dickvalves, what a lotta of salmon, wangos, frube

Balalalalalalalala, Balalalalalalalala
Balalalalalalalala, Balalalalala Hu?
Track Name: Thatcher / New Labour (Guildford Walk-Outs)
It was the biggest event of 2013, we were all in it together
All we needed was some pageantry, no matter what the weather
We needed something to be excited about, now Britain’s got so bleak
So why can’t we bury Thatcher every week?

If you're a fan of her legacy you could help lay her in the ground
And If you're a miner you could get work digging her out
We just need a divisive death, to be onto a winning streak
So come on let’s bury Thatcher every week

We could change the method weekly to keep everyone happy
We could take a boat out to the Falklands and try burying her at sea
We could burn her then freeze her then stuff her or something, & when we’re finally done
We could get NASA to sponsor her and then fire her into the sun.

I don't want it to end I don't want it to end
It's like the Olympics all over again
I don’t want it to end I don’t want it to end
It’s like Apollo thirteen multiplied by Ten / That’s Apollo one hundred and thirty
I don’t want it to end I don’t want it to end
It's the perfect clash of anger and pride
We haven't had this much fun since Lady Diana died.

So let’s bury Margaret Thatcher fifty-two times every year
And all of Britain’s problems will dissolve and disappear
It may seem a little morbid but if we had our way
We would bury Margaret Thatcher...every
every, every
every
every single day
Let’s bury Thatcher
Ha-juh, whuh? Oh-oh.

Let's bury Thatcher every week.
Track Name: The Tatler List of the People Who Really Matter
So seriously guys, have you heard the news?
There's a magazine out there, that's telling the truth
It's glossy and shiny, but it's still got bite
It's in full colour, but everyone's white
Let's open it up, take a look at this Tatler
Let's get the list, of the people who really matter

At number 40, Jerry Hall. Jerry's a former model and muse with frankly amazing taste in men.
At number 35, Felicity Jones. Felicity's got it all - beauty, brains, and a truly excellent collection of hats

These people really matter guys, cos if it wasn't for them
… There wouldn't be as many hats

That was probably just the early numbers, just filler.

At number 29, Holly Branson. Sir Richard Branson's daughter has now joined the family firm.

At 14. Count Nicholai Von Bismark.
The last Prime Minister of Prussia? I thought he’d died in 1898. This must be a relative.

These people really matter guys, cos if it wasn't for them
There wouldn't be people related to someone who once ran Prussia.

At number 9. Prince Harry. Can you imagine a world without Prince Harry?
Yes. It's better.
At number 5. The Queen. The queen is everyone's favourite monarch.
I suppose... I'm a big fan of King Karl Gustav of Sweden?

These people really matter guys, cos if it wasn't for them
I suppose we'd independently govern ourselves. Like the more grown-up bits of the world.

These people really matter guys, cos if it wasn't for them
Track Name: Welcome To The Future
Welcome to the future
Most things are the same
But we're all now gluten free
People live in space
We've cured every disease
Oh and Mika is massive again


Scotland finally left
Then came back again, then left again
The bees all disappeared
But the bees came back as well
Stronger, angrier, stingier
So we had to give them Scotland


We couldn't call it the UK anymore
When Wales sank into the sea,
and so for sponsorship reasons
we're now the United Kingdom of Amazon Prime.


Cars now drive themselves.
But they also drive each other
In a sort of carpool system.
Often there is a 'designated driver'
so the other cars can just loosen up and live a little.
We've run out of dill.


Welcome to the future
Everything's now privatised.
The sky and it's contents
Are the property of Sky.
With the exception of the moon
Which obviously still belongs to Rymans.


Welcome to the future
We don't have flying cars
But poverty and inequality are spiralling
Towards a ghettoised police state
Because of the unstoppable progression of the neoliberal rightwing agenda
But it's fine for me, I'm rich
Track Name: I Was So Drunk That Night
You didn't like my beard
I didn't like the fact that you'd been previously married to Rupert Murdoch
We met at one of those parties
We were introduced across the ice sculpture of Mika
I didn't like your handbag
You didn’t like the fact that I’d got egg all down me
But when we locked eyes it felt like Jesus had fallen into my eyes

And I was so drunk that night I didn't realise you liked me
I dropped my cigarette and it was burning a hole through the crotch of my trousers
And I was so drunk that night I didn't realise we'd exchanged numbers
Then when you called me, I forgot who you were but I pretty much got away with it
I was so drunk next morning, I'd have gone for brunch with anyone
You were so kind, you gave me three-quarters of your Spanish Omelette
And I was so drunk that day, I couldn't believe you'd ever love me
We went to see Die Hard and you held my hand when I didn't really like it

You didn't like my chuckle
I didn't like the fact that you kept inviting over Mick Jagger
But when we got married
I had Andrew Lloyd Webber give me away

And I was so drunk that night on love and wealth and drinking
You seemed so quiet, when I stumbled home the following afternoon
And I was so drunk that night I didn't hear you say you loved me
My jumper was on wrong and I was trying to remember the word serengeti

You didn't like my drinking
I didn't like the fact that you didnt like my drinking
You stayed in bed most days
And I tended to sleep in the chair by the cellar

I was so drunk that night I didn't see that you were crying
I'd spilled my creme de menthe and I'd started to worry the fireplace was listening
I was so drunk that night I didn't realise you were leaving
I had the radio on and I thought that you were the woman that cleaned here

I was so drunk that night
I was so drunk that night
Track Name: Fun Things When You're Poor
Ignore all the bills
Waste shopkeeper's time by pretending you could possibly afford something
Can't afford blue cheese? Get cheese and wait
Can't afford cheese? Get milk and wait a bit longer

You can walk instead of the bus
Your can try spaghetti without sauce
Oh no the bailiff's here
Fun things when you're poor

Can't afford skiing? Nail your feet to some wood and fall down a thatched roof.
Can't afford the pub? There's always an open bar at a wake
Can't afford board games? If you don't have monopoly, just walk around London.

You can share a lukewarm bath
You can make an origami hat
Oh no, someone stole your hat
Fun things when you're poor

Develop new adjectives for describing wine. Mmmmm this is less petrolly than I remember.
And if you don't like the taste of cheap wine
Why not try lowering your standards?
Can't afford to see the Greek plays? Create that drama in your own life by murdering your father and screwing your mother

You can sit in your only chair
You can take a day off with the kids
Oh no. You can't.
Fun things when you're poor

Can't afford the cinema? Watch TV.
Can't afford a TV? Look at a picture of a boat
Can't afford a picture of a boat? Draw a picture of a boat
Can't afford to draw a picture of a boat? Imagine a picture of a boat
Never seen a boat? Guess.

Your kids can stand in a park
Your kids can play with a stick
Oh no. The stick has broke.
Oh no. The cat has died.
Oh no. Michael Gove has thoughts.
Oh no. The floods are back.
Track Name: Friendboat
I yearn for your companionship
Our writing and our penmanship
So come aboard and take a trip
Cos everybody’s friends on the friendboat

On the friendboat
Everything is the best
There are so many friends and there are only one boat
And hey look there’s a guy making omelettes
Friendboat
Oh wow it’s so good
There’s a goose in a hat and there’s a duck in a hat
And there’s a guy who’s giving out free hats
Friendboat

I know our relationship slipped
And our happiness now has a rip
But a peak always follows a dip
Let’s set sail on my the friendboat
Track Name: Revolution / Drunk II
You can run and hide
But the revolution's here
You can close your eyes
But the revolution's here
You can pick your side
But the revolution's here
You can't turn the tide
Cos the revolution's here

[Swan noises]

You did nothing but love me
I threw away everything we built together
I don't know why I did it
I think I was under too much Andrew Lloyd Pressure

And I was so drunk that night, and I can hear them beating down the door
And I was so drunk that night, and I know they'll never let me go
And I am so drunk tonight, and now I'm climbing through the mob
And I am so drunk tonight, and I'll never quite be free

You were so drunk that night, you didn’t see it was me in the crowd
And you were so drunk that night, you didn’t hear me say I’d help you
You didn't hear me say I'd help you.
Track Name: Metaphor
We've known each other for twenty years now
We've had our share of ups and downs but
I wanted to say to you
Yeah, I wanted to say to you

You have a very unusual smell
I'm not saying it's a bad smell, it's just unusual.
And you never have enough crisps.
You can play the guitar.
But let’s be honest, who can’t?
I mean It’s really not that difficult.

And everyone loves your long blonde hair
But really it just makes you look like Courtney Love.
And no one likes Courtney Love.
I had long hair once. It doesn’t last.
And you know, they say you can’t make an omelette
Without breaking eggs
But your omelettes are just awful.

But … I’d rather be a kitten
In a bag full of rocks
If you were in the bag with me
Than be adopted by a family with no children and lots of string
If that meant I’d be without you.
We’re cats in this metaphor, by the way
We’re cats in this metaphor, by the way

[Harmonica solo]

You can’t show affection or say how you feel
You don’t know how to share at all
You’re always eating my crisps, you’re always staring at me
And whispering Courtney Love under your breath (but I can hear you)

And every time I make you rice pudding
You spit it out and say ‘this is the worst omelette I’ve ever eaten’.

But I'd rather be a shepherd without any sheep
If you ran the pub next door
And you'd have no customers and I've have no sheep
But we'd drink every night until dawn
We're drunk in this metaphor by the way
We're drunk in this metaphor by the way
Track Name: Swansong II
The swans don't let us out now
They keep us as their slaves
They make us dance and eat our young
In the Swantalitarian state
We should have read Animal farm
But we just made money instead
Our wealth and our money did nothing to save us
Now everything's paid for in bread

And they go honk honk honk honk honk
Honk honk do the dance

Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk
Honk, honk, praise the swan
Track Name: Fun Things When You're Rich (Bonus Demo)
Ignore all the bills. Move to Turks & Caicos
Go out for coffee, buy a newspaper
No, I mean buy a newspaper company.
Accidentally print a photo of your own bottom. Sell the newspaper.

Fun things when you're rich!
Fun things when you're rich!

Rude waiter. Buy the restaurant, have him fired. Rename restaurant I hate Pierre.

Enjoy a bath? Hire a bath chef. My bath chef Costas does a weekend bath tasting menu. Amuse bath. Fish bath. Main bath. Coffee and Bathters. Fish bath awful, but what can you do?

Fun things when you're rich!
Fun things when you're rich!

Develop a fun drug problem. Rich drugs are much less debilitating.
Columbian flake, Aderol, Laudnam.
Snowplow. Peaky Blinders. Downtonium.
Bourgeois nitrate. Gillet. Mossack Fonseca
Fun things when you're rich!
Fun things when you're -

I'm so rich now, my songs don't actually need an ending.