Bigger Than Judas (Live In London)

by Jonny & The Baptists

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Mother it's over I'm twenty-nine You better take me off the shelf I met this person who reminds me of me We'll just get married and start making little versions of ourselves It's been so many years since things were about me I want one last chance to shine Mother we need two-hundred thousand grand I know it's a lot but we need to let people know we have that much to waste And I wanna Festival of Me I wanna daylong power-wank of saccharine self-indulgent Festival of Me We used to watch Newsnight now it's Come Dine With Me We may not care about the world but we're financially secure The guests can fly themselves out to the Cote d'Ivoire I know they can't afford it but it's my big day And I wanna Festival of Me I wanna Berlusconi Marie Antoinette-scale whore's paradise of Festival of Me 'Cause I want Ponies with pictures Of my face tattooed on them Swans dressed in waistcoats Their cygnets with signet rings All serving crudités Shaped like my fiancée Tankards of Tanqueray Eggnog from Fabergé We’ll dig up Sinatra To duet with my father A lava of Cava Falls over baklava The sky full of white doves Spells out our self-love Mermaids in bathtubs Drinking money from teacups Inside this marquee Is a thinly-veiled simile For our dependency On all things monetary And all buy me presents And wear your cheap suit, Jonny And look at me laughing at you We’ll take up all your weekends And disposable income And we won’t even bother To give you a plus one Who the hell are you going to bring anyway? Just the guitarist again? Do you have any idea How embarrassing that is? Look at you sat there at the back Not even bothering to dance You're so lonely So inescapably lonely and alone. I just want my own Festival of Me.
You know those moments in life when someone does something, says something and you just gotta step up and get in there? Well this song's about that. So we're rolling on the freeway In a black cab blacker than a blackberry sorbet The taxi driver looks morally grey As he slides another fag into the mouth of his ashtray He brakes hard, he looks around Makes a prejudice remark about Chinatown And we go 'Hold up, who is this racist clown? He can't say that, let's shoot him down!' Um, sorry I'm just not sure I'm comfortable with you saying that kind of thing. I mean Asian culture is... Boom! Motherfucker! We're the comeback kings of this town Boom! We shoot you down with Bullets of Boom Take that, we burned you you dick. It's like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Boom in here. Or Boomton Abbey. It's a cost-Boom drama. Boom. We got tickets to the football So we roll up tight bitches thinking that we're Sean Paul And it's Chelsea versus Millwall We're surrounded by men drinking like they're at a pub crawl It's one-nil, a man shouts out Calling someone's sexuality into account And we go 'Hold up, homophobia about Let's start a fight, let's scream and shout!' (sigh) I mean sexual preference is just something we should all know...' Boom! Motherfucker! You just got served an extra-large portion of Boom! With a side of Super Boom! Enjoy your meal you total fanny The name's Boom. James Boom. I'm in ThunderBoom. I'm in Boomraker. I'm in from Russia with Boom. Boom finger. Live and let Boom. The Booming Boomlights. Tomorrow never Booms. OctoBoomy. The EDL marches down my street So I go out for ages Boom! That'll build a multi-cultural society We're on stag do, at a strip club I'm crying inside Boom! That'll get her back to college My mate makes jokes about Stephen Hawking I try to change the subject Boom! That'll find us the grand unified theory My dad reads aloud from the Daily Mail I just pour the coffee Boom! That'll fix his narrow-mindedness We're the Boom Motherfuckers that's how we roll One day Boom Motherfucker will be written on our Boomstone (Huh!) Now we're queuing at the bar We want two scotch eggs and two pints of Budvar People know who we are 'Cause we're the baddest motherfuckers this side of the river 'But wait up, how dare you? Did you just push in front of us in the queue? You just broke our social taboo Now you're gonna get an en-suite Boom with a view!' How fucking dare you? Have you no fucking respect? Who the hell do you think you are? Queue-jumping goes against everything our society is built upon! Boom! Motherfucker!
Phoenix 00:17
The questionable Phoenix We think he's just an eagle.
One time Och aye This one goes out to my girl Scotland Listen up I've got something to say Scotland don't leave me Need one more chance before you walk away Scotland don't leave me Take a moment, hear me out Scotland don't leave me Let's be honest, let's have it out Scotland don't leave me We've been together since the thirteenth century I'm really sorry that it started quite rape-ily We had a trial separation devolution Now you're making like that notion is a final solution Our love is worth it, let's not let it spoil Baby girl our love is worth more than North Sea oil I'm saying lover, come on hear my call I'm saying baby don't build another Hadrian's Wall And you're not perfect, in fact it's quite the opposite It's not been cheap paying for your drinking habit You keep saying you spend more on me than I on you But that's because you forget after all the booze And I put up with all your deep-fat frying all my life Sometimes I feel like I'm just your battered wife I can't take this verbal abuse You won't stop going on about Robert The Bruce No I'm sorry, I went too far Scotland don't leave me No man's an island, but we are Scotland don't leave me You know I need you, need me too Scotland don't leave me Cause I can't bring up little Wales without you Scotland don't leave me We gotta reconcile don't wanna live in fear Don't wanna be the next North and South Korea And in Parliament we'll even up your numbers and I don't mind if you wanna keep Northumberland We dropped the ball and you got us worried Have we still won Wimbledon if you take Andy Murray? And we love Edinburgh festival, we're one of their acts We can't afford foreign entertainers tax So I'm sorry, you're my sweetheart Scotland don't leave me And I'll never stop watching reruns of Braveheart Scotland don't leave me Tell me you want me, just say it Scotland don't leave me And even though you didn't, we'll learn Gaelic Alba na fàg mi
No One Knows 03:13
No one knows if God exists So it's not worth arguing about Cause life is just a massive queue 'til death One day you're gonna die then you'll find out Maybe do something nice in the queue Learn the flute or brew your own stout There's no point fighting over stuff you can't prove So here are some things you should argue about Like Whose round it? Whose crisps are these? Does anybody mind if I eat these crisps? Is that girl into me? Should I do the move? Seriously Paddy it's not my round Which Bond was best? Cause it's not Brosnan Well it isn't Dalton. He gets the oeuvre. Or which children's TV character is best Because let's face it it's Rastamouse Is buying Revels ever a good idea? Because the law of averages tells us that Most of them will be rubbish The same goes for talking to people under twenty-five What's the proper way to hold a child? Cause if you do it wrong and drop it you're in loads of trouble The same thing goes for automatic weapons Soufflés and live grenades Who let the dogs out and consequently Who's going to find them and bring them back? Or whether a reference to 'Who Let The Dogs Out?'is Critically outdated and should be replaced Are these geese following me? Who will feed the fish 'cause if no one feeds the fish Then the fish will not get fed and the fish will die I'm sure they are the same geese as earlier Whether certain words are allowed in Scrabble like L'Oréal or Splonk or Chris de Burgh Are these trousers overly formal? Would I look sexier wearing a kimono? The 'Are we actually going to do this?' argument Which always takes place when two or more people Are about to do something fucking stupid Like riding a cow or forming a wank-circle No one knows if God exists So it's not worth arguing about Unless God appears to you in a dream or a cheesecake But if that happens be in no doubt that You absolutely mustn't tell anyone 'Cause everything will think you're mental And no matter what you've said or done before that in your life It really will mean that you're mental No one knows if God exists That argument's as useful as a goose in a crisis No one knows if God exists Aimless flapping and honking is all that that is No one knows if God exists And no one knows he doesn't, we're not taking sides No one knows if God exists Have a little patience you'll find out when you die
Soup 00:48
Vichyssoise is cold, bouillabaisse has fish There's pea and lentil and bisque if you're swish Miso is fun, chowder's a laugh You can eat oxtail in the bath I love chicken-noodle, mushroom of course Gumbo, bouillon, ramen or borscht Pumpkin is goopy, broth is thin Eat your soup and start to sing It's a meal you drink, a drink you eat A hearty sloppy soupy treat You don't need teeth, you don't need friends Soup is all you need It's a harmony of veg and meat A liquid gastro meet-and-greet Clap your hands and clap your feet Soup is all you need
When you grow up little girl You could be Anything you want to be You could be A naval chief And sail cross the sea Anything Little girl A doctor or priest You could be Little girl The chair of the board And you will be running the show Calling the shots And eligible for anything up to two-thirds of what the men around you are earning. When you grow up little girl You could climb To the top of the heap You could rule You could lead You could be A-number one Be a judge Or the Queen It's all in your reach But of course Little girl You'll have to deal With making the decision of either Being known as the girl who brought the tribunal or letting Richard get away with it again. When you grow up little girl You could be In the media Especially If your parents Work in the media You could be A success Like the Pussycat Dolls Hey pretty white boy Won't'cha come and play? I've got a vagina Buy me things But that's not for today little girl Go to sleep Don't worry Today is for dreams And I'm sorry that the world around you isn't fair but However hard it seems I will stand with you Fight with you Learn to fight for you Get Paddy to fight for you Do anything it takes So that when you grow up little girl We'll make the world a very slightly more Acceptable place And I admit that the medium of comedy song Might not seem the safest bet to change the world But I'll work all my life However long that is Let's face it I'm not in great shape I'm pretty overweight and I've smoked for most of my life Kids don't smoke, it's not cool And we'll make The world Just a little less bleak For when you grow up little girl
Getting too close to the stove (That's dangerous) Playing with a flame (That's dangerous) Putting things into your ear (That's dangerous) Joining an insurgency (That is dangerous) Eating all the jam (That's dangerous) Eating jam around some wasps (That's dangerous) Smearing jam around your face and running at the wasps shouting 'All you wasps are dicks - I shit on you wasps' (That's dangerous, that is dangerous) Putting forks into the toaster (That's dangerous) Pulling the cat's tail (That's dangerous) Often shitting blood (That's dangerous) Any kind of glue (That is dangerous) Testing father's patience (That's dangerous) Talking back to father (That's dangerous) Letting father see your fear (That's dangerous) Telling the police (He'll find out) Looking down a hose (That's dangerous) Standing on a rake (That's dangerous) Running with a gun (That's dangerous) Not checking out that lump (That is dangerous) Synthesising PCP (That's dangerous) Undercutting local dealers (That's dangerous) Not hiring due protection (That's dangerous) Hiding in the coal shed Really need to sneeze They are gonna hear me This is how it ends
Woo! Woo-hoo! I got a letter today from someone I don't know It said that you and I could lead even better lives I got a letter today from the UK Independence Party I thought 'They're not for me but why not? I'll go along' And when I got there, everyone was dancing They were all beautiful and dancing so beautifully How can this be wrong when the music's so upbeat? So without thinking I started moving my feet I got a letter today from my local UKIP councillor They're really not my bag but the EU's full of communists I got a letter today, it was written in blood And the blood was beautiful like really good blood And at the party, there were a couple of black people See they were born here so they were welcome too They seemed so English, we didn't have to hide our wallets I mean we still did but we really didn't need to And that's the point, they were black people And we weren't as worried Woah-oh, Woah-oh We're the UK Independence Party Woah-oh, Woah-oh We think we're still at war with France Woah-oh, Woah-oh We're the UK Independence Party Woah-oh, Woah-oh Never mind, let's just dance Hey guys, we all love UKIP so much we should definitely have sex with it What like a threesome? Yes, a Farage à trois You need to vote for us in the European elections 'cause British people have no say in the European elections Apart from voting in the European elections In that sense I suppose you have a say in the European elections Did you know there's no one left living in Eastern Europe? They've all migrated here to work in health and safety They live off benefits and won't let us watch Jim Davidson They're made in Brussels by a buerocratic baguette machine Woah-oh-oh, Woah-oh-oh We'll make Britain great again Woah-oh-oh, Woah-oh-oh Free corn-beef for the under fives Woah-oh-oh, Woah-oh-oh The queen's jubilee will be every year Woah-oh-oh, Woah-oh-oh Then we'll retake India Woah-oh, Woah-oh The UK Independence Party Woah-oh, Woah-oh We think Britain's an economic power Woah-oh, Woah-oh Can you imagine if we got in charge? Woah-oh, Woah-oh Cause we really haven't thought it through Woah-oh, Woah-oh The UK Independence Party Woah-oh, Woah-oh Join us first, ask questions later Woah-oh, Woah-oh Don't you know all the cool kids are doing it? Woah-oh, Woah-oh Come on guys, let's just dance
Sexy Song 02:23
(Chat) Well this song is called 'The Ten Steps to Making Love', and it's all ten things I like to do before I make love. Are you ready baby? Here we go, here we go, here we go Step ten I put a record on Step nine I take off my clothes Step eight We have intercourse Step seven Sorry can I stop you? It's called the three steps. It's called the three. Fuck. Yep.
It was the biggest event of 2013, we were all in it together All we needed was some pageantry, no matter what the weather It gave us something to be excited about now Britain's got so bleak So why can't we bury Thatcher every week? If you're a fan of her legacy, you can help lay her in the ground And if you're a miner, you could get work digging her out Makes for a great Blitz spirit, whichever side you're from So let's lay Maggie under the soil every wednesday from now on We could change the method weekly to keep everyone happy (Woah-oh-oh) We could take a boat out to the Falklands and try burying her at sea (Woah-oh-oh) We could burn her, then freeze her, then stuff her or something and when we're finally done (Woah-oh-oh) We could get NASA to sponsor her and then fire her into the Sun She'll bring us together in death when in life she never did She said there was no such thing as society, well turns out there is We just need a divisive death to be on to winning streak So come on let's bury Thatcher every week I don't want it to end, I don't want it to end It's like the Olympics all over again I don't want it to end, I don't want it to end Like Apollo 13 multiplied by ten That's Apollo one hundred and thirty I don't want it to end, I don't want it to end It's the perfect clash of anger and pride We haven't had this much fun since Lady Diana died So let's bury Margaret Thatcher fifty-two times every year And all of Britain's problems will dissolve and disappear It might seem a little morbid but if we had our way We would bury Margaret Thatcher Every Every Every Every Every single day Let's bury Thatcher Every minute every hour every day Wha uh? Whuh? We'll bury Thatcher I'm glad you came with me on the Lady Diana gag Don't worry pretty soon I'll change it to Prince Philip Oh that;s where you draw the line? Yeah. Yeah. He's our Mandela. Idiots. We'll bury Thatcher every week.
It's a meal you drink, a drink you eat Solid food is obsolete From a spoon, a straw, a trowel or a teet Soup is all you need A melting-pot that's good for the soul Multiculturalism in a bowl You don't need to chew unless you have a roll Soup is all you need
God Exists 03:56
'Cause I was walking down the river late and dark at night After a wedding where I drank through all my loneliness There was a sudden flash then I saw God appear before me I knew it was the Lord because he said 'Hello I'm God You must have questions' so I asked how to fix Palestine He ummed and ahhed and said 'Which one's Palestine again?' There was a silence that was awkward 'til at last he added 'I try to keep my head down - do you want a chocolate raisin?' God exists He's just not what you'd expect God exists He looks a lot like Gary Barlow God exists But he's strikingly underwhelming So I asked him why he'd chosen me this starry night And he explained he'd never visited the Earth before He thought the funeral for Thatcher was worth coming to It was even bigger than the Jubilee or Royal Wedding I thought he'd carry on but he got distracted by something shiny Then a girl walked past - he whistled and said 'Get 'em out, love' And as she swore at him, he turned to me and shouted 'Lezzer' And it occurred to me I was not enjoying my religious experience God exists And I guess that's something God exists But he keeps calling me 'J-Dog' God exists And even though he created the stars he still believes in astrology I asked 'What did you do for your first day on Earth?' And he replied 'I had the best day ever After the funeral, I went to a Hard Rock Cafe I had a well-done steak and then I got into a fight I instagrammed a picture of a homeless man I made him sepia and added a funny caption I got a caricature done of me with an even bigger head I'm on LinkedIn now, do you wanna join my network? I saw this man on telly, he was brilliant and straight-talking He smoked a cigarette and drank a pint of ale He had some pretty interesting thoughts about immigration They're great, they're called the UKIP, have you heard of it?' God exists And he's an electoral liability God exists He believes in homeopathy And his accent often changes I woke up clammy and uncertain on the riverbank All my clothes were gone and so was God - and my wallet Did I meet the Lord or was I just too pissed again? I mean why would he visit a tubby heavy-drinking agnostic? Is it because he knows I'm kind of a big deal in comedy now? I guess it's not worth arguing which version of events is true God exists God exists God exists God exists God exists God exists God exists God exists You will literally do anything.
Where have all the old men gone? They are not here, there's something wrong My feet are tired, my mouth is drying I want a pint of mild and scampi fries But you've got staff with asymmetric hair And you've written the word 'gastro' everywhere I want ales in jugs, I wanna listen to Suggs I wanna be where the air is thick with bugs I want pickled eggs and scratchings not hummus and pitta What do you mean you don't serve bitter? Your staff don't need work they need a babysitter You're a pub, not a hipster - how can you be on Twitter? You are not a pub If your lights come on at 11.01 You are not a pub If your landlord isn't just a little bit racist You are not a pub Empty restaurant room - can't drink in there You are not a pub Jugs of cocktails, some of them with milk in You are not a pub If there isn't any genuine taxidermy You are not a pub No of course I don't want you to make me a mocha You are not a pub If you have more than one variety of wine You are not a pub If you order Apple Sourz and it's available Wifi (not a pub) Thai food (not a pub) Twitterfeed (not a pub) Tapenade (not a pub) Nametags (not a pub) Instagram (not a pub) Soy Milk (not a pub) Dubstep (not a pub) Bon Iver (not a pub) Ramakins (not a pub) Wasabi peas (not a pub) Vegans (Bahhh) Skrillex (not a pub) Tea-lights (not a pub) Not a pub (not a pub) Not a pub (Wahhh) You are not a pub.


The second album from 'Jonny & The Baptists' recorded live in London in 2013.

Track listing:
1. Festival Of Me
2. Boom (Motherf*cker)
3. Phoenix
4. Scotland Don't Leave Me
5. No One Knows
6. Soup
7. Chat (Children's Books)
8. When You Grow Up
9. That's Dangerous
10. UKIP (Party Song)
11. Sexy Song
12. Let's Bury Thatcher
13. Soup (Reprise)
14. God Exists
15. Not A Pub (Encore)


released October 14, 2013

All tracks written by Jonny & The Baptists, except (11) written with Steve Dawson. Performed by Jonny & The Baptists with Will Bartlett (Keyboard) and Lucy Roslyn Hunt (Saxophone). Produced and mixed by Sam Dyson at Free House Studios.


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Jonny & The Baptists London, UK

Nominated for five major awards (they’ve never won any), Jonny & the Baptists – real names Jonny
Donahoe & Paddy Gervers – have rapidly become one of the UK's hottest live musical comedy acts. They've featured on 'The Now Show' (BBC Radio 4), 'The Infinite Monkey Cage' (BBC R4), 'The Gadget Show' (Channel 5) and 'Sketchorama' (BBC R4). They once topped the iTunes Comedy Chart
with single ‘Farage’.
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