Bigger Than Judas (Live In London)

by Jonny & The Baptists

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The second album from 'Jonny & The Baptists' recorded live in London in 2013.

Track listing:
1. Festival Of Me
2. Boom (Motherf*cker)
3. Phoenix
4. Scotland Don't Leave Me
5. No One Knows
6. Soup
7. Chat (Children's Books)
8. When You Grow Up
9. That's Dangerous
10. UKIP (Party Song)
11. Sexy Song
12. Let's Bury Thatcher
13. Soup (Reprise)
14. God Exists
15. Not A Pub (Encore)


released October 14, 2013

All tracks written by Jonny & The Baptists, except (11) written with Steve Dawson. Performed by Jonny & The Baptists with Will Bartlett (Keyboard) and Lucy Roslyn Hunt (Saxophone). Produced and mixed by Sam Dyson at Free House Studios.



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Jonny & The Baptists London, UK

Comedy band 'Jonny & The Baptists' (Jonny Donahoe and Paddy Gervers) have risen rapidly to cult-status in the last year, making the finals of the 'Amused Moose Laughter Awards', the '2013 New Act of the Year Awards' and the 'Musical Comedy Awards', and being featured on 'The Now Show' (BBC Radio 4), 'The Infinite Monkey Cage' (BBC R4), 'The Gadget Show' (Channel 5) and 'Sketchorama' (BBC R4) ... more

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Track Name: Festival Of Me
Mother it's over I'm twenty-nine
You better take me off the shelf
I met this person who reminds me of me
We'll just get married and start making little versions of ourselves

It's been so many years since things were about me
I want one last chance to shine
Mother we need two-hundred thousand grand
I know it's a lot but we need to let people know we have that much to waste

And I wanna
Festival of Me
I wanna daylong power-wank of saccharine self-indulgent
Festival of Me

We used to watch Newsnight now it's Come Dine With Me
We may not care about the world but we're financially secure
The guests can fly themselves out to the Cote d'Ivoire
I know they can't afford it but it's my big day

And I wanna
Festival of Me
I wanna Berlusconi Marie Antoinette-scale whore's paradise of
Festival of Me

'Cause I want
Ponies with pictures
Of my face tattooed on them
Swans dressed in waistcoats
Their cygnets with signet rings
All serving crudités
Shaped like my fiancée
Tankards of Tanqueray
Eggnog from Fabergé

We’ll dig up Sinatra
To duet with my father
A lava of Cava
Falls over baklava
The sky full of white doves
Spells out our self-love
Mermaids in bathtubs
Drinking money from teacups

Inside this marquee
Is a thinly-veiled simile
For our dependency
On all things monetary
And all buy me presents
And wear your cheap suit, Jonny
And look at me laughing at you
We’ll take up all your weekends
And disposable income
And we won’t even bother
To give you a plus one
Who the hell are you going to bring anyway?
Just the guitarist again?
Do you have any idea
How embarrassing that is?
Look at you sat there at the back
Not even bothering to dance
You're so lonely
So inescapably lonely and alone.

I just want my own
Festival of Me.
Track Name: Boom (Motherf*cker)
You know those moments in life when someone does something, says something and you just gotta step up and get in there? Well this song's about that.

So we're rolling on the freeway
In a black cab blacker than a blackberry sorbet
The taxi driver looks morally grey
As he slides another fag into the mouth of his ashtray
He brakes hard, he looks around
Makes a prejudice remark about Chinatown
And we go 'Hold up, who is this racist clown?
He can't say that, let's shoot him down!'

Um, sorry I'm just not sure I'm comfortable with you saying that kind of thing. I mean Asian culture is...

Boom! Motherfucker!
We're the comeback kings of this town
Boom! We shoot you down with
Bullets of Boom
Take that, we burned you you dick.

It's like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Boom in here. Or Boomton Abbey. It's a cost-Boom drama. Boom.

We got tickets to the football
So we roll up tight bitches thinking that we're Sean Paul
And it's Chelsea versus Millwall
We're surrounded by men drinking like they're at a pub crawl
It's one-nil, a man shouts out
Calling someone's sexuality into account
And we go 'Hold up, homophobia about
Let's start a fight, let's scream and shout!'

(sigh) I mean sexual preference is just something we should all know...'

Boom! Motherfucker!
You just got served an extra-large portion of
Boom! With a side of
Super Boom!
Enjoy your meal you total fanny

The name's Boom. James Boom. I'm in ThunderBoom. I'm in Boomraker. I'm in from Russia with Boom. Boom finger. Live and let Boom. The Booming Boomlights. Tomorrow never Booms. OctoBoomy.

The EDL marches down my street
So I go out for ages
Boom! That'll build a multi-cultural society

We're on stag do, at a strip club
I'm crying inside
Boom! That'll get her back to college

My mate makes jokes about Stephen Hawking
I try to change the subject
Boom! That'll find us the grand unified theory

My dad reads aloud from the Daily Mail
I just pour the coffee
Boom! That'll fix his narrow-mindedness

We're the Boom Motherfuckers that's how we roll
One day Boom Motherfucker will be written on our Boomstone

Now we're queuing at the bar
We want two scotch eggs and two pints of Budvar
People know who we are
'Cause we're the baddest motherfuckers this side of the river
'But wait up, how dare you?
Did you just push in front of us in the queue?
You just broke our social taboo
Now you're gonna get an en-suite Boom with a view!'

How fucking dare you? Have you no fucking respect? Who the hell do you think you are? Queue-jumping goes against everything our society is built upon!

Boom! Motherfucker!
Track Name: Phoenix
The questionable Phoenix
We think he's just an eagle.
Track Name: Scotland Don't Leave Me
One time
Och aye
This one goes out to my girl Scotland

Listen up I've got something to say
Scotland don't leave me
Need one more chance before you walk away
Scotland don't leave me
Take a moment, hear me out
Scotland don't leave me
Let's be honest, let's have it out
Scotland don't leave me

We've been together since the thirteenth century
I'm really sorry that it started quite rape-ily
We had a trial separation devolution
Now you're making like that notion is a final solution
Our love is worth it, let's not let it spoil
Baby girl our love is worth more than North Sea oil
I'm saying lover, come on hear my call
I'm saying baby don't build another Hadrian's Wall

And you're not perfect, in fact it's quite the opposite
It's not been cheap paying for your drinking habit
You keep saying you spend more on me than I on you
But that's because you forget after all the booze
And I put up with all your deep-fat frying all my life
Sometimes I feel like I'm just your battered wife
I can't take this verbal abuse
You won't stop going on about Robert The Bruce

No I'm sorry, I went too far
Scotland don't leave me
No man's an island, but we are
Scotland don't leave me
You know I need you, need me too
Scotland don't leave me
Cause I can't bring up little Wales without you
Scotland don't leave me

We gotta reconcile don't wanna live in fear
Don't wanna be the next North and South Korea
And in Parliament we'll even up your numbers and
I don't mind if you wanna keep Northumberland
We dropped the ball and you got us worried
Have we still won Wimbledon if you take Andy Murray?
And we love Edinburgh festival, we're one of their acts
We can't afford foreign entertainers tax

So I'm sorry, you're my sweetheart
Scotland don't leave me
And I'll never stop watching reruns of Braveheart
Scotland don't leave me
Tell me you want me, just say it
Scotland don't leave me
And even though you didn't, we'll learn Gaelic
Alba na fàg mi
Track Name: No One Knows
No one knows if God exists
So it's not worth arguing about
Cause life is just a massive queue 'til death
One day you're gonna die then you'll find out
Maybe do something nice in the queue
Learn the flute or brew your own stout
There's no point fighting over stuff you can't prove
So here are some things you should argue about

Whose round it? Whose crisps are these?
Does anybody mind if I eat these crisps?
Is that girl into me? Should I do the move?
Seriously Paddy it's not my round

Which Bond was best? Cause it's not Brosnan
Well it isn't Dalton. He gets the oeuvre.
Or which children's TV character is best
Because let's face it it's Rastamouse

Is buying Revels ever a good idea?
Because the law of averages tells us that
Most of them will be rubbish
The same goes for talking to people under twenty-five

What's the proper way to hold a child?
Cause if you do it wrong and drop it you're in loads of trouble
The same thing goes for automatic weapons
Soufflés and live grenades

Who let the dogs out and consequently
Who's going to find them and bring them back?
Or whether a reference to 'Who Let The Dogs Out?'is
Critically outdated and should be replaced

Are these geese following me?
Who will feed the fish 'cause if no one feeds the fish
Then the fish will not get fed and the fish will die
I'm sure they are the same geese as earlier

Whether certain words are allowed in Scrabble like
L'Oréal or Splonk or Chris de Burgh
Are these trousers overly formal?
Would I look sexier wearing a kimono?

The 'Are we actually going to do this?' argument
Which always takes place when two or more people
Are about to do something fucking stupid
Like riding a cow or forming a wank-circle

No one knows if God exists
So it's not worth arguing about
Unless God appears to you in a dream or a cheesecake
But if that happens be in no doubt that
You absolutely mustn't tell anyone
'Cause everything will think you're mental
And no matter what you've said or done before that in your life
It really will mean that you're mental
No one knows if God exists
That argument's as useful as a goose in a crisis
No one knows if God exists
Aimless flapping and honking is all that that is
No one knows if God exists
And no one knows he doesn't, we're not taking sides
No one knows if God exists
Have a little patience you'll find out when you die
Track Name: Soup
Vichyssoise is cold, bouillabaisse has fish
There's pea and lentil and bisque if you're swish
Miso is fun, chowder's a laugh
You can eat oxtail in the bath
I love chicken-noodle, mushroom of course
Gumbo, bouillon, ramen or borscht
Pumpkin is goopy, broth is thin
Eat your soup and start to sing

It's a meal you drink, a drink you eat
A hearty sloppy soupy treat
You don't need teeth, you don't need friends
Soup is all you need

It's a harmony of veg and meat
A liquid gastro meet-and-greet
Clap your hands and clap your feet
Soup is all you need
Track Name: Chat (Children's Books)
Track Name: When You Grow Up
When you grow up little girl
You could be
Anything you want to be
You could be
A naval chief
And sail cross the sea
Little girl
A doctor or priest
You could be
Little girl
The chair of the board
And you will be running the show
Calling the shots
And eligible for anything up to two-thirds of what the men around you are earning.

When you grow up little girl
You could climb
To the top of the heap
You could rule
You could lead
You could be A-number one
Be a judge
Or the Queen
It's all in your reach
But of course
Little girl
You'll have to deal
With making the decision of either
Being known as the girl who brought the tribunal or letting Richard get away with it again.

When you grow up little girl
You could be
In the media
If your parents
Work in the media
You could be
A success
Like the Pussycat Dolls

Hey pretty white boy
Won't'cha come and play?
I've got a vagina
Buy me things

But that's not for today little girl
Go to sleep
Don't worry
Today is for dreams
And I'm sorry that the world around you isn't fair but
However hard it seems
I will stand with you
Fight with you
Learn to fight for you
Get Paddy to fight for you
Do anything it takes
So that when you grow up little girl
We'll make the world a very slightly more
Acceptable place

And I admit that the medium of comedy song
Might not seem the safest bet to change the world
But I'll work all my life
However long that is
Let's face it I'm not in great shape
I'm pretty overweight and I've smoked for most of my life
Kids don't smoke, it's not cool

And we'll make
The world
Just a little less bleak
For when you grow up little girl
Track Name: That's Dangerous
Getting too close to the stove (That's dangerous)
Playing with a flame (That's dangerous)
Putting things into your ear (That's dangerous)
Joining an insurgency (That is dangerous)

Eating all the jam (That's dangerous)
Eating jam around some wasps (That's dangerous)
Smearing jam around your face and running at the wasps shouting
'All you wasps are dicks - I shit on you wasps'
(That's dangerous, that is dangerous)

Putting forks into the toaster (That's dangerous)
Pulling the cat's tail (That's dangerous)
Often shitting blood (That's dangerous)
Any kind of glue (That is dangerous)

Testing father's patience (That's dangerous)
Talking back to father (That's dangerous)
Letting father see your fear (That's dangerous)
Telling the police (He'll find out)

Looking down a hose (That's dangerous)
Standing on a rake (That's dangerous)
Running with a gun (That's dangerous)
Not checking out that lump (That is dangerous)

Synthesising PCP (That's dangerous)
Undercutting local dealers (That's dangerous)
Not hiring due protection (That's dangerous)
Hiding in the coal shed
Really need to sneeze
They are gonna hear me
This is how it ends
Track Name: UKIP (Party Song)
Woo! Woo-hoo!

I got a letter today from someone I don't know
It said that you and I could lead even better lives
I got a letter today from the UK Independence Party
I thought 'They're not for me but why not? I'll go along'

And when I got there, everyone was dancing
They were all beautiful and dancing so beautifully
How can this be wrong when the music's so upbeat?
So without thinking I started moving my feet

I got a letter today from my local UKIP councillor
They're really not my bag but the EU's full of communists
I got a letter today, it was written in blood
And the blood was beautiful like really good blood

And at the party, there were a couple of black people
See they were born here so they were welcome too
They seemed so English, we didn't have to hide our wallets
I mean we still did but we really didn't need to
And that's the point, they were black people
And we weren't as worried

Woah-oh, Woah-oh
We're the UK Independence Party
Woah-oh, Woah-oh
We think we're still at war with France
Woah-oh, Woah-oh
We're the UK Independence Party
Woah-oh, Woah-oh
Never mind, let's just dance

Hey guys, we all love UKIP so much we should definitely have sex with it
What like a threesome?
Yes, a Farage à trois

You need to vote for us in the European elections 'cause
British people have no say in the European elections
Apart from voting in the European elections
In that sense I suppose you have a say in the European elections

Did you know there's no one left living in Eastern Europe?
They've all migrated here to work in health and safety
They live off benefits and won't let us watch Jim Davidson
They're made in Brussels by a buerocratic baguette machine

Woah-oh-oh, Woah-oh-oh
We'll make Britain great again
Woah-oh-oh, Woah-oh-oh
Free corn-beef for the under fives
Woah-oh-oh, Woah-oh-oh
The queen's jubilee will be every year
Woah-oh-oh, Woah-oh-oh
Then we'll retake India

Woah-oh, Woah-oh
The UK Independence Party
Woah-oh, Woah-oh
We think Britain's an economic power
Woah-oh, Woah-oh
Can you imagine if we got in charge?
Woah-oh, Woah-oh
Cause we really haven't thought it through
Woah-oh, Woah-oh
The UK Independence Party
Woah-oh, Woah-oh
Join us first, ask questions later
Woah-oh, Woah-oh
Don't you know all the cool kids are doing it?
Woah-oh, Woah-oh
Come on guys, let's just dance
Track Name: Sexy Song

Well this song is called 'The Ten Steps to Making Love', and it's all ten things I like to do before I make love. Are you ready baby?

Here we go, here we go, here we go
Step ten
I put a record on
Step nine
I take off my clothes
Step eight
We have intercourse
Step seven
Sorry can I stop you?
It's called the three steps. It's called the three. Fuck. Yep.
Track Name: Let's Bury Thatcher
It was the biggest event of 2013, we were all in it together
All we needed was some pageantry, no matter what the weather
It gave us something to be excited about now Britain's got so bleak
So why can't we bury Thatcher every week?

If you're a fan of her legacy, you can help lay her in the ground
And if you're a miner, you could get work digging her out
Makes for a great Blitz spirit, whichever side you're from
So let's lay Maggie under the soil every wednesday from now on

We could change the method weekly to keep everyone happy (Woah-oh-oh)
We could take a boat out to the Falklands and try burying her at sea (Woah-oh-oh)
We could burn her, then freeze her, then stuff her or something and when we're finally done (Woah-oh-oh)
We could get NASA to sponsor her and then fire her into the Sun

She'll bring us together in death when in life she never did
She said there was no such thing as society, well turns out there is
We just need a divisive death to be on to winning streak
So come on let's bury Thatcher every week

I don't want it to end, I don't want it to end
It's like the Olympics all over again
I don't want it to end, I don't want it to end
Like Apollo 13 multiplied by ten
That's Apollo one hundred and thirty
I don't want it to end, I don't want it to end
It's the perfect clash of anger and pride
We haven't had this much fun since Lady Diana died

So let's bury Margaret Thatcher fifty-two times every year
And all of Britain's problems will dissolve and disappear
It might seem a little morbid but if we had our way
We would bury Margaret Thatcher
Every single day
Let's bury Thatcher
Every minute every hour every day
Wha uh? Whuh?
We'll bury Thatcher

I'm glad you came with me on the Lady Diana gag
Don't worry pretty soon I'll change it to Prince Philip
Oh that;s where you draw the line?
Yeah. Yeah. He's our Mandela. Idiots.

We'll bury Thatcher every week.
Track Name: Soup (Reprise)
It's a meal you drink, a drink you eat
Solid food is obsolete
From a spoon, a straw, a trowel or a teet
Soup is all you need

A melting-pot that's good for the soul
Multiculturalism in a bowl
You don't need to chew unless you have a roll
Soup is all you need
Track Name: God Exists
'Cause I was walking down the river late and dark at night
After a wedding where I drank through all my loneliness
There was a sudden flash then I saw God appear before me
I knew it was the Lord because he said 'Hello I'm God
You must have questions' so I asked how to fix Palestine
He ummed and ahhed and said 'Which one's Palestine again?'
There was a silence that was awkward 'til at last he added
'I try to keep my head down - do you want a chocolate raisin?'

God exists
He's just not what you'd expect
God exists
He looks a lot like Gary Barlow
God exists
But he's strikingly underwhelming

So I asked him why he'd chosen me this starry night
And he explained he'd never visited the Earth before
He thought the funeral for Thatcher was worth coming to
It was even bigger than the Jubilee or Royal Wedding
I thought he'd carry on but he got distracted by something shiny
Then a girl walked past - he whistled and said 'Get 'em out, love'
And as she swore at him, he turned to me and shouted 'Lezzer'
And it occurred to me I was not enjoying my religious experience

God exists
And I guess that's something
God exists
But he keeps calling me 'J-Dog'
God exists
And even though he created the stars he still believes in astrology

I asked 'What did you do for your first day on Earth?'
And he replied 'I had the best day ever
After the funeral, I went to a Hard Rock Cafe
I had a well-done steak and then I got into a fight
I instagrammed a picture of a homeless man
I made him sepia and added a funny caption
I got a caricature done of me with an even bigger head
I'm on LinkedIn now, do you wanna join my network?

I saw this man on telly, he was brilliant and straight-talking
He smoked a cigarette and drank a pint of ale
He had some pretty interesting thoughts about immigration
They're great, they're called the UKIP, have you heard of it?'

God exists
And he's an electoral liability
God exists
He believes in homeopathy
And his accent often changes

I woke up clammy and uncertain on the riverbank
All my clothes were gone and so was God - and my wallet
Did I meet the Lord or was I just too pissed again?
I mean why would he visit a tubby heavy-drinking agnostic?
Is it because he knows I'm kind of a big deal in comedy now?
I guess it's not worth arguing which version of events is true

God exists
God exists
God exists
God exists
God exists
God exists
God exists
God exists

You will literally do anything.
Track Name: Not A Pub (Encore)
Where have all the old men gone?
They are not here, there's something wrong
My feet are tired, my mouth is drying
I want a pint of mild and scampi fries
But you've got staff with asymmetric hair
And you've written the word 'gastro' everywhere
I want ales in jugs, I wanna listen to Suggs
I wanna be where the air is thick with bugs
I want pickled eggs and scratchings not hummus and pitta
What do you mean you don't serve bitter?
Your staff don't need work they need a babysitter
You're a pub, not a hipster - how can you be on Twitter?

You are not a pub
If your lights come on at 11.01
You are not a pub
If your landlord isn't just a little bit racist
You are not a pub
Empty restaurant room - can't drink in there
You are not a pub
Jugs of cocktails, some of them with milk in
You are not a pub
If there isn't any genuine taxidermy
You are not a pub
No of course I don't want you to make me a mocha
You are not a pub
If you have more than one variety of wine
You are not a pub
If you order Apple Sourz and it's available

Wifi (not a pub)
Thai food (not a pub)
Twitterfeed (not a pub)
Tapenade (not a pub)
Nametags (not a pub)
Instagram (not a pub)
Soy Milk (not a pub)
Dubstep (not a pub)
Bon Iver (not a pub)
Ramakins (not a pub)
Wasabi peas (not a pub)
Vegans (Bahhh)
Skrillex (not a pub)
Tea-lights (not a pub)
Not a pub (not a pub)
Not a pub (Wahhh)

You are not a pub.