Get all 10 Jonny & The Baptists releases available on Bandcamp and save 50%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of End Of An Era (The Elizabethan One) - Full Live Show Video, Dance Like It Never Happened, Love You & Hate Bastards, Songs For The Apocalypse, Eat The Poor (Live), The End Is Nigh (Limited Edition Demo), The Satiric Verses, The Farage EP, and 2 more.
1. |
Swansong
02:49
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Our country's so unequal, we still bow down to the Queen
We'd love to ditch the Royals and their elitist regime
They're too popular to topple, their reign goes on and on
And if that wasn't bad enough the Queen owns all the swans
So we'll nationalise the swans
Free them from her reign
If they can break your arm
Then we can break their chains
Then we'll turn them on the Queen
An army made of swans
And we'll give them small guitars
And teach them protest songs
And they'll go
Honk honk honk honk honk
Honk honk free the people
Honk honk honk honk honk
Honk honk give us more bread
Emancipate the swans
They'll emancipate us too
The Swan Liberation Army
Will make all our dreams come true
They'll save the NHS
And bring back free school meals
Then they'll save BHS
With their feathery leftwing zeal
But the swans have gone fucking mad
And everything's gone wrong
They're honking and biting and hissing and fucking
And everything's covered in swans
The power's gone to their heads
And their heads are really small
We need actual social reform
Instead we've got angry swans
And they go
Honk honk honk honk honk
Honk honk we're in charge now
Honk honk honk honk honk
Honk honk where's my bread?
[Swan noises and shouting about Swans]
SWANS.
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2. |
Ugly Baby
02:15
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I wanna see you
I wanna see you so bad
But I can't see you no more
No I can't see you no more
Cos I don't know what to tell you
I don't know what to say to you, cos you've got
Such an ugly baby
And you're the only one that can't see it
Such an ugly baby
Why did you procreate? Why why why why?
Such an ugly baby
For God's sake it looks like a shoe
And I don't know how you look it in the eye every day
I wanna tell you
I wanna tell you so bad
Put that baby in a drawer
Shut the drawer and then move house
Move city move country move continent, hope that the evil dies of its own accord cos you've got
Such a monstrous baby
Like someone shaved a pug and then sat on it
Such a monstrous baby
Oh Jesus it looks like Donald Trump
Like a melon with a mouth
Like someone glued a face onto an omelette
Like an ugly brass rubbing of an already ugly baby
Like the health warning on an old packet of Marlboros
Like a bollock with limbs
Like, well, you
Sorry we mean congratulations
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3. |
Farage
03:35
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Uh-huh, you got it
Drop the beat Nigel
Jonny & The Baptists here
We got ourselves some banging UK Farage
There was a brand new word around, and that word was the talk of the town (Farage)
We didn't know what it might mean but it's a nasty and unpleasant sound (Farage)
We had to find out what it could be, was it a stench or a fungus or pissing yourself publicly?
This country's a democracy, so we had a vote to get it in the dictionary
Is it looking over one's shoulder before saying something racist? (Farage)
Is it stoking public fears without any evidential basis? (Farage)
Is it hiring both your wife and your mistress, even after the affair has ended? (Farage)
Is it a smell that lingers in the air and the culprit can't be apprehended?
We searched the whole wide world
To find the true meaning of Farage
We trawled through a million words
To find the true meaning of Farage
It's pronounced Farage
It's spelt like it sounds
It rhymes with same-sex marriage
Let's spread it around
Like a nuclear spillage
It's an 'idge' not an 'arge'
It's an equality sandwich
Not a bigotry collage
Like post-colonial baggage
It just follows you around
Like an idiot in a village
There's always one to be found
Have you heard about Farage?
It's like Ouzo and sick
That's the thing about Farage
It's onomatopoeic
Mmm. Yeah. What? Yes. Hmm. Good. Mmm-hmm. More. One Two Three Three Four What?
Is it the scum that forms on top of your tea when you leave it to brew for too long? (Farage)
To try and argue that your facts are right even after they've been proven wrong? (Farage)
To try and justify a tedious link like flooding and gay marriage? (Farage)
Just another term for shitting yourself, for example 'Nigel has faraged'? (Farage)
Could it be the collective noun for a group of two or more pricks? (Farage)
Just like you'd have a murder of crows, you'd have a Farage of dicks? (Farage)
There are so many different things that we want this word to mean (Farage)
But at the end of the day only one can reign supreme
So from the whole wide world
Here comes the true meaning of Farage
Out of a million words
Here's the true meaning of Farage
Farage
It's the juice from your bin
Start using the word Farage
To describe the juice that lies within
Do you remember Farage?
It's what we used to call bin-juice
But now we have the word Farage
And it's time to set it loose
So watch out for the Farage
It smells like dysentery and gin
Keep away from the Farage
It's made of takeaway and sin
Gotta clean up that Farage
Let's start a new trend
Because nobody wants Farage
So go tell all of your friends
Farage up.
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4. |
Not A Pub
02:00
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Where have all the old men gone?
They are not here, there's something wrong
My feet are tired, my mouth is drying
I want a pint of mild and scampi fries
But you've got staff with asymmetric hair
And you've written the word 'gastro' everywhere
I want ales in jugs, I wanna listen to Suggs
I wanna be where the air is thick with bugs
I want pickled eggs and scratchings not hummus and pitta
What do you mean you don't serve bitter?
Your staff don't need work they need a babysitter
You're a pub, not a hipster - how can you be on Twitter?
You are not a pub
If your lights come on at 11.01
You are not a pub
If your landlord isn't just a little bit racist
You are not a pub
Jugs of cocktails, some of them with milk in
You are not a pub
If your fruit machine has been replaced with a DJ
You are not a pub
Empty restaurant room - can't drink in there
You are not a pub
UKIP posters in the window
You are not a pub
If you haven't any genuine taxidermy
You are not a pub
Oh look over there it's Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall
You are not a pub
If you have more than one variety of wine
You are not a pub
If you order Apple Sourz and it's available
Wifi (not a pub)
Thai food (not a pub)
Twitterfeed (not a pub)
Tapenade (not a pub)
Nametags (not a pub)
Instagram (not a pub)
Soy Milk (not a pub)
Dubstep (not a pub)
Bon Iver (not a pub)
Ramakins (not a pub)
Wasabi peas (not a pub)
Vegans (Bahhh)
Skrillex (not a pub)
Tea-lights (not a pub)
Not a pub (not a pub)
Not a pub (Wahhh)
You are not a pub.
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5. |
When You Grow Up
03:04
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When you grow up little girl
You could be
Anything you want to be
You could be
A naval chief
And sail cross the sea
Anything
Little girl
A doctor or priest
You could be
Little girl
The chair of the board
And you will be running the show
Calling the shots
And eligible for anything up to two-thirds of what the men around you are earning.
When you grow up little girl
You could climb
To the top of the heap
You could rule
You could lead
You could be A-number one
Be a judge
Or the Queen
It's all in your reach
But of course
Little girl
You'll have to deal
With making the decision of either
Being known as the girl who brought the tribunal or letting Richard get away with it again.
When you grow up little girl
You could be
In the media
Especially
If your parents
Work in the media
You could be
A success
Like the Pussycat Dolls
Hey pretty white boy
Won't'cha come and play?
I've got a vagina
Buy me things
But that's not for today little girl
Go to sleep
Don't worry
Today is for dreams
And I'm sorry that the world around you isn't fair but
However hard it seems
I will stand with you
Fight with you
Learn to fight for you
Get Paddy to fight for you
Do anything it takes
So that when you grow up little girl
We'll make the world a very slightly more
Acceptable place
And I admit that the medium of comedy song
Might not seem the safest bet to change the world
But I'll work all my days
However long that is
I don't know how long I've got
I mean I've smoked all of my life
Kids don't smoke, it's not cool
And since James Gandolfini and Mel Smith are no longer with us it's no longer looking so good for the larger man
But together we'll make the world just a little less bleak
For when you grow up little girl
For when you grow up little girl
For when you grow up little girl
For when you grow up little girl
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6. |
Boom! (Motherfucker)
03:55
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So we're rolling on the freeway
In a black cab blacker than a blackberry sorbet
The taxi driver looks morally grey
As he slides another fag into the mouth of his ashtray
He brakes hard, he looks around
Makes a prejudice remark about Chinatown
And we go 'Hold up, who is this racist clown?
He can't say that, let's shoot him down!'
(pathetic attempt at saying anything)
Boom! Motherfucker!
We're the comeback kings of this town
Boom! We shoot you down with
Bullets of Boom
Take that, we burned you you willy.
Yeah. It's like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Boom in here. Or Boomton Abbey. It's a cost-Boom drama. Boom.
We got tickets to the football
So we roll up tight bitches thinking that we're Sean Paul
And it's Chelsea versus Millwall
We're surrounded by men drinking like they're at a pub crawl
It's one-nil, a man shouts out
Calling someone's sexuality into account
And we go 'Hold up, homophobia about
Let's start a fight, let's scream and shout!'
(pathetic attempt at saying anything)
Boom! Motherfucker!
You just got served an extra-large portion of
Boom! With a side of
Super Boom!
Enjoy your meal you total fanny
The name's Boom. James Boom. I'm in ThunderBoom. I'm in a View to a Boom. I'm in Live and Let Boom. OctoBoomy? No...
We're the Boom Motherfuckers that's how we roll
One day Boom Motherfucker will be written on our Boomstone
(Huh!)
Now we're queuing at the bar
We want two scotch eggs and two pints of Budvar
People know who we are
Cos we're the baddest motherfuckers this side of the river
'But hold up, how dare you?
Did you just push in front of us in the queue?
You just broke our social taboo
You're gonna get an en-suite Boom with a view!'
(gratuitous shouting)
Boom! Motherfucker!
You broke etiquette you fucking piece of
Boom! Motherfucker!
I don't care if you're an old woman, get up out of your wheelchair
Boom! Motherfucker!
When you die the only thing that, ermyou
Boom! Motherfucker!
We stand up for what we believe in and we say what we Boom
(trying to say things)
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7. |
Do It In The Library
02:12
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Hear they're gonna tear down all the libraries
Don't want kids reading so I'm told
Where will the old folks go when it's cold outside?
Where will the young go when they're old?
Can't shut them down if we make the groovy
We've got a plan to get folks hooked
We'll put the fun back into public funded resource
We'll put the 'oo' back into books
Let's go and do it in the library
Let's go and do it by the book (Sss)
Let's go and do it in the library
Let's go and fuck while read...books
In self help books - it's onanism time
The religion section - missionary style
In mathematics - we sixty-nine
We get hot and heavy - like a bibliophile
A bibliophile is a lover of books, said a bibliophile is a lover of books
We'll wear protection - in self-defence
And in the index room - dewey-decimal sex
And in Greek Mythology - it gets fucking intense
And in the children's section - we do not go near the children's section
We've got conservatives and liberals
Idiots and intellectuals
But an open mind's essential in the library
We've got arts and crafts on thursdays
We've got S&M on fridays
But we're sometimes shut on wednesdays - it's a library
We are not afraid to publicise
The paper-cuts between our thighs
You can never privatise the library
So come and join our protest
It's a fucking mental sex-fest
So come dressed up or come undressed to the library
You can get a vajazzle - in interior design
In autobiography - that's where I get mine
In modern drama - we could do it in mime
But come in the books - you'll have to pay a fine
Don't come in the books you'll have to pay a fine
Stop coming in the books it's really not fine
Let's go and do it in the library
Let's go and do it by the book (Sss)
Let's go and do it in the library
Let's go and fuck while read...books
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8. |
Festival Of Me
03:10
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Mother it's over I'm twenty-nine
You better take me off the shelf
There's nothing of value I could achieve with my life now
So I'll just get married and start making little versions of myself
I met this person who reminds me of me
We may not care about the world but we're financially secure
Mother we need two-hundred thousand grand
I know it's a lot but we need to let people know we have that much to waste
And I wanna
Festival of Me
I wanna daylong power-wank of saccharine self-indulgent
Festival of Me
It's been so many years since things were about me
I want one last chance to shine
The guests can fly themselves out to the Cote d'Ivoire
I know they can't afford it but it's my big day
And I wanna
Festival of Me
I wanna Berlusconi Marie Antoinette-scale whore's paradise of
Festival of Me
'Cause I want
Ponies with pictures
Of my face tattooed on them
Swans dressed in waistcoats
Their cygnets with signet rings
All serving crudités
Shaped like my fiancée
Tankards of Tanqueray
Eggnog from Fabergé
We’ll dig up Sinatra
To duet with my father
A lava of Cava
Falls over baklava
The sky full of white doves
Spells out our self-love
Mermaids in bathtubs
Drinking money from teacups
Inside this marquee
Is a thinly-veiled simile
For my dependency
On all things monetary
And all buy me presents
And wear your cheap suit, Jonny
And look at us laughing at you
We’ll take up all your weekends
And your disposable income
And we won’t even bother
To give you a plus one
Who the hell are you going to bring anyway?
Just the guitarist again?
Do you have any idea
How embarrassing that is?
Look at you sat there at the back
Not even bothering to dance
You're so lonely
You're so frighteningly inescapably lonely and alone.
I just want my own
Festival of Me.
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9. |
UKIP (Party Song)
03:08
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Woo!
Woo-hoo!
I got a letter today from someone I don't know
It said that you and I could lead even better lives
I got a letter today from the UK Independence Party
I thought 'they're not for me but why not? I'll go along!'
And when I got there, everyone was dancing
They were all English and dancing so Englishly!
And I thought to myself 'How can they be wrong on
UK independence when they're so right on party?'
I got a letter today from the UK Independence Party
They're really not my bag but they EU's full of Communists
I got a letter today, it was written in blood
And the blood was beautiful like really good blood
And at the party there were a couple of black people
But they said they'd been born here so they were welcome too
They seemed so English, we didn't need to hide our wallets
I mean we still did but we really didn't need to
And that's the point, they were black people
And we were absolutely fine with it
Woah-oh! Woah-oh!
We're the UK Independence Party
Woah-oh! Woah-oh!
We think we're still at war with France
Woah-oh! Woah-oh!
We're the UK Independence Party
Woah-oh! Woah-oh!
Never mind, let's just dance
Hey Paddy, we love UKIP so much we should probably have sex with it!
What, like a threesome?
Yes, a Farage à trois.
You need to vote for us in the European Elections cause
British people have no say in the European Elections
Apart from voting in the European Elections
In that sense I suppose you have a say in the European Elections
Did you know there's no-one left living in Eastern Europe?
They've all migrated here to work in health and safety
They live off benefits and won't let us watch Jim Davidson
They're made in Brussels by a bongo-bongo bunch of sluts
Woah-oh-oh, woah-oh-oh
We'll make Britain great again
Woah-oh-oh, woah-oh-oh
Free corn beef for the under fives
Woah-oh-oh, woah-oh-oh
The Queen's Jubilee will be every day
Woah-oh-oh, woah-oh-oh
Then we'll retake India
Woah-oh! Woah-oh!
The UK Independence Party
Woah-oh! Woah-oh!
Can you imagine if we got in power?
Woah-oh! Woah-oh!
We haven't got a clue but it's worryingly likely
Woah-oh! Woah-oh!
All decisions would be made by the Queen
Woah-oh! Woah-oh!
The UK Independence Party
Woah-oh! Woah-oh!
We think Britain's an economic power
Woah-oh! Woah-oh!
Some of us are also in the EDL
Woah-oh! Woah-oh!
Come on guys, let's just dance!
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10. |
Let's Bury Thatcher
03:33
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It was the biggest event of 2013, we were all in it together
All we needed was some pageantry, no matter what the weather
We needed something to be excited about, now Britain’s got so bleak
So why can’t we bury Thatcher every week?
If you're a fan of her legacy you could help lay her in the ground
And If you're a miner you could get work digging her out
Makes for a great Blitz spirit - whichever side you're on
So let's lay Maggie under the soil every Wednesday from now on
We could change the method weekly to keep everyone happy
We could take a boat out to the Falklands and bury her at sea
We could burn her then freeze her then stuff her or something, & when we’re finally done
We could get NASA to sponsor her and then fire her into the sun.
She'll bring us together in death when in life she never did
She said there was no such thing as society well - turns out there is
We just need a divisive death to be on to a winning streak
So come on let's bury Thatcher every week
I don't want it to end I don't want it to end
It's like the Olympics all over again
I don’t want it to end I don’t want it to end
It’s like Apollo thirteen multiplied by Ten / That’s Apollo one hundred and thirty
I don’t want it to end I don’t want it to end
It's the perfect clash of anger and pride
We haven't had this much fun since Lady Diana died.
So let’s bury Margaret Thatcher fifty-two times every year
And all of Britain’s problems will dissolve and disappear
It might seem a little morbid but if we had our way
We would bury Margaret Thatcher...every
every,
every
every
every single day
Let’s bury Thatcher
Every minute every hour every day
We'll bury Thatcher
We're sorry about the lady Diana bit
Don't worry pretty soon we'll change it to Prince Philip
Let's bury Thatcher every week.
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11. |
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To the people of Middle England, in their 50s, 60s, plus
We are your progeny, and we love you very much
We don’t want to antagonise, don’t want to piss you off
But we’re running out of ways to say ‘Enough is enough’
If you read the Daily Mail then you can’t meet your Grandchildren
We can’t have hate and bile infiltrate their tiny minds
If you read the Daily Express then you can’t see them at all
We won’t have your reactionary thoughts around the small
We know you only read it for the crossword
Yet the crossword book we bought you stays mysteriously unused
We know you only need it for the TV guide
Yet the views you shared at Christmas were not learned from Countryfile
If you read the Daily Mail then you can’t see your Grandchildren
We’ll say we don’t know where you live and haven’t for some time
If you read the Daily Express we’ll say you’re somewhere we can’t find
Cos Gran and Grandpa and their views live in 1959
(Outrage! Immigrants!)
So to the people of middle England who have children in their prime
Heed our words of caution there’s still lots and lots of time
Take up yoga or pilates, learn a language or play whist
But be sure to ditch the tabloids that print bilge and prejudice
(Europe! Women belong at home!)
If you read the Daily Mail then you can’t see your Grandchildren
We’ll tell them that you passed away and that’s the end of the that
If you read the Daily Express we won’t tell them you exist
And your hateful views will die with you and neither will be missed
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12. |
Prime Minister Obama
02:12
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President Obama, you retired at 55.
But playing golf and drinking won’t keep that 'yes we can' alive
You led the Free World, ‘til 2017
How’d’ya feel about switching to a smaller, British team?
Wherever you were born don’t matter, we won’t enquire
You’re British if your birthplace was once part of our empire
Like America. Or Kenya. Or anywhere. If it suits us.
(We know you're American baby)
Prime Minister Obama, you’re the man of the hour
Come to the UK and kick the Tories out of power
Prime Minister Obama, you’ll leave the Red, White & Blue
But luckily the British flag has all those colours too
(Well, unless Scotland decides to leave…
Ow!)
I’m sure you’ll miss Hawaii but the Isle of Wight is fine
Don’t need an Oval Office when you’re on the Circle Line
We don’t have Thanksgiving or Independence Day
But our Morris Dancing Festivals aren’t as racist nowadays
Our country might not have the Stars and Stripes,
But we've got Beans on Toast and badgers and black pudding and bagpipes
And Halfords. And Carling. And Princess Anne.
(The Princess Royal is in...)
Prime Minister Obama, it might not seem worth it
But why would you choose Pumpkin Pie when you could have a crumpet?
Prime Minister Obama, we’ll keep our promise
It might not be a fair exchange but we’ll give you Boris
(Please don’t ever give that prick back)
Prime Minister Obama
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13. |
Give Blood
02:52
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Everybody's saying the blood-banks will run dry
Every man should give blood because blood saves lives
But there's a problem limited donating potential
Cos you're not allowed to give blood if you're a homosexual
You want us to chip in, you only want certain chips
You only want the chips that have been in certain dips
But if a starving man is hungry, all he needs is chips
Does it really matter what kind of chips?
The chips are all the same, don't you know?
The chips have all come from the same fucking potato
You want us to chip in when the chips are down
But we made sweet love so we cannot give blood now
For years we were just a platonic pair
Now I can't stop looking at your yellow hair
Oh I know, my hair is quite yellow
It feels so good when it should feel weird
I run my fingers through your tiny beard
Oh I know, I trimmed it just for you
I know you did honey and I appreciate that
That night we made sweet love and we cannot give blood now
Just cause we've done it, it doesn't mean
We're suddenly riddled with STDs
Oh I know, your blood is just so clean
My blood is so clean you could bathe in it
Now listen up I'm not trying to boast
But my haemoglobin is better than most
Oh I know, your blood is just so red
My blood is so red that when I bleed bulls get angry
That night we made sweet love and we cannot give blood now
We could pretend to be two straight men
Who have unprotected sex we'd have a better chance then
We think our blood is still a ten out of ten
So what if we're attracted to other men?
Men men men men
Men men men men
Men men men men
Men men men men
Men men men men manly men
Woot do doo, do doo doo
Give Blood
Give Blood
Give Blood
Not I.
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14. |
Hey Dad
04:56
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Hey Dad, how are you?
Yes it's really nice to see you too
I see you've got a new patio out here
What do I think?
Well I think it's a patio
I mean it's very hard to have an opinion on patio Dad
It's very flat
And you stand on it
Anyway
It's been ages Dad
Well we've been touring mostly
I guess they just didn't want the show here in Reading Dad
Well the Reading Hexagon's a little hard for us to fill, it's over twelve hundred seats so
Yes Jim Davidson does sell a lot more tickets than us Dad but I don't personally think that makes him better than us but you're entitled to your opinion Dad
Hey Dad, how are you?
Yes it's really nice to see you too
Dad we've been over this
If you use something from The Daily Mail in an argument with me you've got to fact-check it first
No you can't just double-check it in the Mail Online
Nevermind
Anyway
I see you've got a UKIP poster in the window
Is that what you're going to...?
Right
Yes I agree Dad, they do have a lot of ideas
Doesn't it bother you that quite a lot of those ideas are quite ra-
Yes that is what I was gonna say Dad
No it's not racist of me to say that UKIP are racist
Because they're not a race
And because they're quite racist
I know you're not a racist Dad
I know you've got a black friend called Patrick
I know because you always say
"I'm gonna go and see my black friend Patrick"
You could just say you're gonna see Patrick Dad
How did we get to here?
Cos you brought me up better than this
You taught me how to tie my laces
You taught me how to not kill my hamster
you taught me how to crack an egg
You taught me how to make a frittata
So how did we get here?
Cos I don't want to believe you could ever let me down
Hey Dad, how are you?
Yes it's really nice to see you too
No I am saying it right Dad - Farage
Farage Farage Farage Farage Farage Farage
Well if he wanted a French name he had to stay in the EU
And that's over Dad
Oh don't be ridiculous
How on earth is Farage a better man than me?
We did one song about the Royal Family and it was a satire
Little Prince George is funny looking
And neither of his parents are very bright (not they're not)
He wouldn't do so well in a meritocratic society
But don't worry we don't have one
No I don't think we'll be hanged for that Dad
Anyway
Could you just maybe not vote that way?
I dunno Dad, maybe go along and spoil your vote?
No, with a pen
How did we get to here?
Cos you brought me up better than this
You taught how to build a fire
You taught me how to strike the matches
You taught me how to put out a fire
We agreed we wouldn't tell Mum
So how did we get here?
Cos I don't want to believe you could ever let me down
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15. |
Only The Queen
01:00
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Only the Queen can kill Donald Trump
She's nearly 92
What can they do to her?
Only the Queen can kill Donald Trump
This is her destiny
She's been waiting all her life
Why has she always been silent?
In preparation for this
Why has she not had opinions?
It was all a ploy
Let him come and meet her
The Queen knows what to do
Let him come to the palace
She can strangle like no other
Only the Queen can kill Donald Trump
Say attempted knighthood but she got too wobbly
She's the Queen, she's the Queen, no-one can take her down
(/Do it Elizabeth, htebazile ti od, do it Elizabeth, htebazile ti od)
Only the Queen can kill Donald Trump
|
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Jonny & The Baptists London, UK
Nominated for five major awards (they’ve never won any), Jonny & the Baptists – real names Jonny
Donahoe & Paddy
Gervers – have rapidly become one of the UK's hottest live musical comedy acts. They've featured on 'The Now Show' (BBC Radio 4), 'The Infinite Monkey Cage' (BBC R4), 'The Gadget Show' (Channel 5) and 'Sketchorama' (BBC R4). They once topped the iTunes Comedy Chart
with single ‘Farage’.
... more
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