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Tom Pritchard
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lyrics

'Cause I was walking down the river late and dark at night
After a wedding where I drank through all my loneliness
There was a sudden flash then I saw God appear before me
I knew it was the Lord because he said 'Hello I'm God
You must have questions' so I asked how to fix Palestine
He ummed and ahhed and said 'Which one's Palestine again?'
There was a silence that was awkward 'til at last he added
'I try to keep my head down - do you want a chocolate raisin?'

God exists
He's just not what you'd expect
God exists
He looks a lot like Gary Barlow
God exists
But he's strikingly underwhelming

So I asked him why he'd chosen me this starry night
And he explained he'd never visited the Earth before
He thought the funeral for Thatcher was worth coming to
It was even bigger than the Jubilee or Royal Wedding
I thought he'd carry on but he got distracted by something shiny
Then a girl walked past - he whistled and said 'Get 'em out, love'
And as she swore at him, he turned to me and shouted 'Lezzer'
And it occurred to me I was not enjoying my religious experience

God exists
And I guess that's something
God exists
But he keeps calling me 'J-Dog'
God exists
And even though he created the stars he still believes in astrology

I asked 'What did you do for your first day on Earth?'
And he replied 'I had the best day ever
After the funeral, I went to a Hard Rock Cafe
I had a well-done steak and then I got into a fight
I instagrammed a picture of a homeless man
I made him sepia and added a funny caption
I got a caricature done of me with an even bigger head
I'm on LinkedIn now, do you wanna join my network?

I saw this man on telly, he was brilliant and straight-talking
He smoked a cigarette and drank a pint of ale
He had some pretty interesting thoughts about immigration
They're great, they're called the UKIP, have you heard of it?'

God exists
And he's an electoral liability
God exists
He believes in homeopathy
And his accent often changes

I woke up clammy and uncertain on the riverbank
All my clothes were gone and so was God - and my wallet
Did I meet the Lord or was I just too pissed again?
I mean why would he visit a tubby heavy-drinking agnostic?
Is it because he knows I'm kind of a big deal in comedy now?
I guess it's not worth arguing which version of events is true

God exists
God exists
God exists
God exists
God exists
God exists
God exists
God exists

You will literally do anything.

credits

from Bigger Than Judas (Live In London), released October 14, 2013
Written and Performed by Jonny & The Baptists.

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Jonny & The Baptists London, UK

Nominated for five major awards (they’ve never won any), Jonny & the Baptists – real names Jonny
Donahoe & Paddy Gervers – have rapidly become one of the UK's hottest live musical comedy acts. They've featured on 'The Now Show' (BBC Radio 4), 'The Infinite Monkey Cage' (BBC R4), 'The Gadget Show' (Channel 5) and 'Sketchorama' (BBC R4). They once topped the iTunes Comedy Chart
with single ‘Farage’. ... more

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