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lyrics

No one knows if God exists
So it's not worth arguing about
Cause life is just a massive queue 'til death
One day you're gonna die then you'll find out
Maybe do something nice in the queue
Learn the flute or brew your own stout
There's no point fighting over stuff you can't prove
So here are some things you should argue about

Like
Whose round it? Whose crisps are these?
Does anybody mind if I eat these crisps?
Is that girl into me? Should I do the move?
Seriously Paddy it's not my round

Which Bond was best? Cause it's not Brosnan
Well it isn't Dalton. He gets the oeuvre.
Or which children's TV character is best
Because let's face it it's Rastamouse

Is buying Revels ever a good idea?
Because the law of averages tells us that
Most of them will be rubbish
The same goes for talking to people under twenty-five

What's the proper way to hold a child?
Cause if you do it wrong and drop it you're in loads of trouble
The same thing goes for automatic weapons
Soufflés and live grenades

Who let the dogs out and consequently
Who's going to find them and bring them back?
Or whether a reference to 'Who Let The Dogs Out?'is
Critically outdated and should be replaced

Are these geese following me?
Who will feed the fish 'cause if no one feeds the fish
Then the fish will not get fed and the fish will die
I'm sure they are the same geese as earlier

Whether certain words are allowed in Scrabble like
L'Oréal or Splonk or Chris de Burgh
Are these trousers overly formal?
Would I look sexier wearing a kimono?

The 'Are we actually going to do this?' argument
Which always takes place when two or more people
Are about to do something fucking stupid
Like riding a cow or forming a wank-circle

No one knows if God exists
So it's not worth arguing about
Unless God appears to you in a dream or a cheesecake
But if that happens be in no doubt that
You absolutely mustn't tell anyone
'Cause everything will think you're mental
And no matter what you've said or done before that in your life
It really will mean that you're mental
No one knows if God exists
That argument's as useful as a goose in a crisis
No one knows if God exists
Aimless flapping and honking is all that that is
No one knows if God exists
And no one knows he doesn't, we're not taking sides
No one knows if God exists
Have a little patience you'll find out when you die

credits

from Bigger Than Judas (Live In London), released October 14, 2013
Written by Jonny & The Baptists. Performed by Jonny & The Baptists and Will Bartlett.

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about

Jonny & The Baptists London, UK

Nominated for five major awards (they’ve never won any), Jonny & the Baptists – real names Jonny
Donahoe & Paddy Gervers – have rapidly become one of the UK's hottest live musical comedy acts. They've featured on 'The Now Show' (BBC Radio 4), 'The Infinite Monkey Cage' (BBC R4), 'The Gadget Show' (Channel 5) and 'Sketchorama' (BBC R4). They once topped the iTunes Comedy Chart
with single ‘Farage’.
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