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Tom Pritchard
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lyrics

Where have all the old men gone?
They are not here, there's something wrong
My feet are tired, my mouth is drying
I want a pint of mild and scampi fries
But you've got staff with asymmetric hair
And you've written the word 'gastro' everywhere
I want ales in jugs, I wanna listen to Suggs
I wanna be where the air is thick with bugs
I want pickled eggs and scratchings not hummus and pitta
What do you mean you don't serve bitter?
Your staff don't need work they need a babysitter
You're a pub, not a hipster - how can you be on Twitter?

You are not a pub
If your lights come on at 11.01
You are not a pub
If your landlord isn't just a little bit racist
You are not a pub
Empty restaurant room - can't drink in there
You are not a pub
Jugs of cocktails, some of them with milk in
You are not a pub
If there isn't any genuine taxidermy
You are not a pub
No of course I don't want you to make me a mocha
You are not a pub
If you have more than one variety of wine
You are not a pub
If you order Apple Sourz and it's available

Wifi (not a pub)
Thai food (not a pub)
Twitterfeed (not a pub)
Tapenade (not a pub)
Nametags (not a pub)
Instagram (not a pub)
Soy Milk (not a pub)
Dubstep (not a pub)
Bon Iver (not a pub)
Ramakins (not a pub)
Wasabi peas (not a pub)
Vegans (Bahhh)
Skrillex (not a pub)
Tea-lights (not a pub)
Not a pub (not a pub)
Not a pub (Wahhh)

You are not a pub.

credits

from Bigger Than Judas (Live In London), released October 14, 2013
Written by Jonny & The Baptists. Performed by Jonny & The Baptists, WIll Bartlett and Lucy Roslyn Hunt.

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Jonny & The Baptists London, UK

Nominated for five major awards (they’ve never won any), Jonny & the Baptists – real names Jonny
Donahoe & Paddy Gervers – have rapidly become one of the UK's hottest live musical comedy acts. They've featured on 'The Now Show' (BBC Radio 4), 'The Infinite Monkey Cage' (BBC R4), 'The Gadget Show' (Channel 5) and 'Sketchorama' (BBC R4). They once topped the iTunes Comedy Chart
with single ‘Farage’. ... more

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