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lyrics

Where have all the old men gone?
They are not here there's something wrong
My feet are tired, my mouth is dry
I want half a mild and scampi fries
But you've got staff with asymmetric hair
And you've written the word 'gastro' everywhere
I want ales in jugs, I wanna listen to Suggs
I wanna be where the air is thick with bugs
I want pickled eggs and scratchings not hummus and pitta
What do you mean you don't serve bitter?
These staff don't need work they need a babysitter
You're a pub not a hipster, how can you be on twitter?

You are not a pub
If your lights turn on a 11.01
You are not a pub
If your landlord isn't just a little bit racist
You are not a pub
If every other drinker is writing a novel
You are not a pub
Jugs of cocktails, some of them with milk in
You are not a pub
If your fruit machine has been replaced with a DJ
You are not a pub
No of course I don't want you to make me a mocha
You are not a pub
If you have more than one variety of wine
You are not a pub
If you order Apple Sourz and it's available

Wifi - Not a pub
Thai Food - Not a pub
Twitterfeed - Not a pub
Tapenade - Not a pub
Nametags - Not a pub
Instagram - What?
Soy Milk - Not a pub
Dubstep - What the fuck?
Bon Iver - Not a pub
Ramakins - (sigh)
Wasabi Peas - (sigh)
Vegans - (sigh)
Scrillex - Not a pub
Tealights - hmnrgh
Buhduhbuh - hrm duh nuh
Hm nr rghs - frh nrgh

You are not a pub.

credits

from Jonny & The Baptists, released October 10, 2013
Written and Performed by Jonny & The Baptists.

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all rights reserved

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about

Jonny & The Baptists London, UK

Nominated for five major awards (they’ve never won any), Jonny & the Baptists – real names Jonny
Donahoe & Paddy Gervers – have rapidly become one of the UK's hottest live musical comedy acts. They've featured on 'The Now Show' (BBC Radio 4), 'The Infinite Monkey Cage' (BBC R4), 'The Gadget Show' (Channel 5) and 'Sketchorama' (BBC R4). They once topped the iTunes Comedy Chart
with single ‘Farage’.
... more

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