Songs For The Apocalypse

by Jonny & The Baptists

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    The first true Jonny & The Baptists studio album 'Songs For The Apocalypse' - get 'em while they're hot/there! We can even sign it too if you're into that - leave a note with your name/who'd you like it for/something specific you'd like us to write on it!

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Swansong 02:49
Our country's so unequal, we still bow down to the Queen We'd love to ditch the Royals and their elitist regime They're too popular to topple, their reign goes on and on And if that wasn't bad enough the Queen owns all the swans So we'll nationalise the swans Free them from her reign If they can break your arm Then we can break their chains Then we'll turn them on the Queen An army made of swans And we'll give them small guitars And teach them protest songs And they'll go Honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk free the people Honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk give us more bread Emancipate the swans They'll emancipate us too The Swan Liberation Army Will make all our dreams come true They'll save the NHS And bring back free school meals Then they'll save BHS With their feathery leftwing zeal But the swans have gone fucking mad And everything's gone wrong They're honking and biting and hissing and fucking And everything's covered in swans The power's gone to their heads And their heads are really small We need actual social reform Instead we've got angry swans And they go Honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk we're in charge now Honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk where's my bread? [Swan noises and shouting about Swans] SWANS.
Ugly Baby 02:15
I wanna see you I wanna see you so bad But I can't see you no more No I can't see you no more Cos I don't know what to tell you I don't know what to say to you, cos you've got Such an ugly baby And you're the only one that can't see it Such an ugly baby Why did you procreate? Why why why why? Such an ugly baby For God's sake it looks like a shoe And I don't know how you look it in the eye every day I wanna tell you I wanna tell you so bad Put that baby in a drawer Shut the drawer and then move house Move city move country move continent, hope that the evil dies of its own accord cos you've got Such a monstrous baby Like someone shaved a pug and then sat on it Such a monstrous baby Oh Jesus it looks like Donald Trump Like a melon with a mouth Like someone glued a face onto an omelette Like an ugly brass rubbing of an already ugly baby Like the health warning on an old packet of Marlboros Like a bollock with limbs Like, well, you Sorry we mean congratulations
Farage 03:35
Uh-huh, you got it Drop the beat Nigel Jonny & The Baptists here We got ourselves some banging UK Farage There was a brand new word around, and that word was the talk of the town (Farage) We didn't know what it might mean but it's a nasty and unpleasant sound (Farage) We had to find out what it could be, was it a stench or a fungus or pissing yourself publicly? This country's a democracy, so we had a vote to get it in the dictionary Is it looking over one's shoulder before saying something racist? (Farage) Is it stoking public fears without any evidential basis? (Farage) Is it hiring both your wife and your mistress, even after the affair has ended? (Farage) Is it a smell that lingers in the air and the culprit can't be apprehended? We searched the whole wide world To find the true meaning of Farage We trawled through a million words To find the true meaning of Farage It's pronounced Farage It's spelt like it sounds It rhymes with same-sex marriage Let's spread it around Like a nuclear spillage It's an 'idge' not an 'arge' It's an equality sandwich Not a bigotry collage Like post-colonial baggage It just follows you around Like an idiot in a village There's always one to be found Have you heard about Farage? It's like Ouzo and sick That's the thing about Farage It's onomatopoeic Mmm. Yeah. What? Yes. Hmm. Good. Mmm-hmm. More. One Two Three Three Four What? Is it the scum that forms on top of your tea when you leave it to brew for too long? (Farage) To try and argue that your facts are right even after they've been proven wrong? (Farage) To try and justify a tedious link like flooding and gay marriage? (Farage) Just another term for shitting yourself, for example 'Nigel has faraged'? (Farage) Could it be the collective noun for a group of two or more pricks? (Farage) Just like you'd have a murder of crows, you'd have a Farage of dicks? (Farage) There are so many different things that we want this word to mean (Farage) But at the end of the day only one can reign supreme So from the whole wide world Here comes the true meaning of Farage Out of a million words Here's the true meaning of Farage Farage It's the juice from your bin Start using the word Farage To describe the juice that lies within Do you remember Farage? It's what we used to call bin-juice But now we have the word Farage And it's time to set it loose So watch out for the Farage It smells like dysentery and gin Keep away from the Farage It's made of takeaway and sin Gotta clean up that Farage Let's start a new trend Because nobody wants Farage So go tell all of your friends Farage up.
Not A Pub 02:00
Where have all the old men gone? They are not here, there's something wrong My feet are tired, my mouth is drying I want a pint of mild and scampi fries But you've got staff with asymmetric hair And you've written the word 'gastro' everywhere I want ales in jugs, I wanna listen to Suggs I wanna be where the air is thick with bugs I want pickled eggs and scratchings not hummus and pitta What do you mean you don't serve bitter? Your staff don't need work they need a babysitter You're a pub, not a hipster - how can you be on Twitter? You are not a pub If your lights come on at 11.01 You are not a pub If your landlord isn't just a little bit racist You are not a pub Jugs of cocktails, some of them with milk in You are not a pub If your fruit machine has been replaced with a DJ You are not a pub Empty restaurant room - can't drink in there You are not a pub UKIP posters in the window You are not a pub If you haven't any genuine taxidermy You are not a pub Oh look over there it's Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall You are not a pub If you have more than one variety of wine You are not a pub If you order Apple Sourz and it's available Wifi (not a pub) Thai food (not a pub) Twitterfeed (not a pub) Tapenade (not a pub) Nametags (not a pub) Instagram (not a pub) Soy Milk (not a pub) Dubstep (not a pub) Bon Iver (not a pub) Ramakins (not a pub) Wasabi peas (not a pub) Vegans (Bahhh) Skrillex (not a pub) Tea-lights (not a pub) Not a pub (not a pub) Not a pub (Wahhh) You are not a pub.
When you grow up little girl You could be Anything you want to be You could be A naval chief And sail cross the sea Anything Little girl A doctor or priest You could be Little girl The chair of the board And you will be running the show Calling the shots And eligible for anything up to two-thirds of what the men around you are earning. When you grow up little girl You could climb To the top of the heap You could rule You could lead You could be A-number one Be a judge Or the Queen It's all in your reach But of course Little girl You'll have to deal With making the decision of either Being known as the girl who brought the tribunal or letting Richard get away with it again. When you grow up little girl You could be In the media Especially If your parents Work in the media You could be A success Like the Pussycat Dolls Hey pretty white boy Won't'cha come and play? I've got a vagina Buy me things But that's not for today little girl Go to sleep Don't worry Today is for dreams And I'm sorry that the world around you isn't fair but However hard it seems I will stand with you Fight with you Learn to fight for you Get Paddy to fight for you Do anything it takes So that when you grow up little girl We'll make the world a very slightly more Acceptable place And I admit that the medium of comedy song Might not seem the safest bet to change the world But I'll work all my days However long that is I don't know how long I've got I mean I've smoked all of my life Kids don't smoke, it's not cool And since James Gandolfini and Mel Smith are no longer with us it's no longer looking so good for the larger man But together we'll make the world just a little less bleak For when you grow up little girl For when you grow up little girl For when you grow up little girl For when you grow up little girl
So we're rolling on the freeway In a black cab blacker than a blackberry sorbet The taxi driver looks morally grey As he slides another fag into the mouth of his ashtray He brakes hard, he looks around Makes a prejudice remark about Chinatown And we go 'Hold up, who is this racist clown? He can't say that, let's shoot him down!' (pathetic attempt at saying anything) Boom! Motherfucker! We're the comeback kings of this town Boom! We shoot you down with Bullets of Boom Take that, we burned you you willy. Yeah. It's like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Boom in here. Or Boomton Abbey. It's a cost-Boom drama. Boom. We got tickets to the football So we roll up tight bitches thinking that we're Sean Paul And it's Chelsea versus Millwall We're surrounded by men drinking like they're at a pub crawl It's one-nil, a man shouts out Calling someone's sexuality into account And we go 'Hold up, homophobia about Let's start a fight, let's scream and shout!' (pathetic attempt at saying anything) Boom! Motherfucker! You just got served an extra-large portion of Boom! With a side of Super Boom! Enjoy your meal you total fanny The name's Boom. James Boom. I'm in ThunderBoom. I'm in a View to a Boom. I'm in Live and Let Boom. OctoBoomy? No... We're the Boom Motherfuckers that's how we roll One day Boom Motherfucker will be written on our Boomstone (Huh!) Now we're queuing at the bar We want two scotch eggs and two pints of Budvar People know who we are Cos we're the baddest motherfuckers this side of the river 'But hold up, how dare you? Did you just push in front of us in the queue? You just broke our social taboo You're gonna get an en-suite Boom with a view!' (gratuitous shouting) Boom! Motherfucker! You broke etiquette you fucking piece of Boom! Motherfucker! I don't care if you're an old woman, get up out of your wheelchair Boom! Motherfucker! When you die the only thing that, ermyou Boom! Motherfucker! We stand up for what we believe in and we say what we Boom (trying to say things)
Hear they're gonna tear down all the libraries Don't want kids reading so I'm told Where will the old folks go when it's cold outside? Where will the young go when they're old? Can't shut them down if we make the groovy We've got a plan to get folks hooked We'll put the fun back into public funded resource We'll put the 'oo' back into books Let's go and do it in the library Let's go and do it by the book (Sss) Let's go and do it in the library Let's go and fuck while read...books In self help books - it's onanism time The religion section - missionary style In mathematics - we sixty-nine We get hot and heavy - like a bibliophile A bibliophile is a lover of books, said a bibliophile is a lover of books We'll wear protection - in self-defence And in the index room - dewey-decimal sex And in Greek Mythology - it gets fucking intense And in the children's section - we do not go near the children's section We've got conservatives and liberals Idiots and intellectuals But an open mind's essential in the library We've got arts and crafts on thursdays We've got S&M on fridays But we're sometimes shut on wednesdays - it's a library We are not afraid to publicise The paper-cuts between our thighs You can never privatise the library So come and join our protest It's a fucking mental sex-fest So come dressed up or come undressed to the library You can get a vajazzle - in interior design In autobiography - that's where I get mine In modern drama - we could do it in mime But come in the books - you'll have to pay a fine Don't come in the books you'll have to pay a fine Stop coming in the books it's really not fine Let's go and do it in the library Let's go and do it by the book (Sss) Let's go and do it in the library Let's go and fuck while read...books
Mother it's over I'm twenty-nine You better take me off the shelf There's nothing of value I could achieve with my life now So I'll just get married and start making little versions of myself I met this person who reminds me of me We may not care about the world but we're financially secure Mother we need two-hundred thousand grand I know it's a lot but we need to let people know we have that much to waste And I wanna Festival of Me I wanna daylong power-wank of saccharine self-indulgent Festival of Me It's been so many years since things were about me I want one last chance to shine The guests can fly themselves out to the Cote d'Ivoire I know they can't afford it but it's my big day And I wanna Festival of Me I wanna Berlusconi Marie Antoinette-scale whore's paradise of Festival of Me 'Cause I want Ponies with pictures Of my face tattooed on them Swans dressed in waistcoats Their cygnets with signet rings All serving crudités Shaped like my fiancée Tankards of Tanqueray Eggnog from Fabergé We’ll dig up Sinatra To duet with my father A lava of Cava Falls over baklava The sky full of white doves Spells out our self-love Mermaids in bathtubs Drinking money from teacups Inside this marquee Is a thinly-veiled simile For my dependency On all things monetary And all buy me presents And wear your cheap suit, Jonny And look at us laughing at you We’ll take up all your weekends And your disposable income And we won’t even bother To give you a plus one Who the hell are you going to bring anyway? Just the guitarist again? Do you have any idea How embarrassing that is? Look at you sat there at the back Not even bothering to dance You're so lonely You're so frighteningly inescapably lonely and alone. I just want my own Festival of Me.
Woo! Woo-hoo! I got a letter today from someone I don't know It said that you and I could lead even better lives I got a letter today from the UK Independence Party I thought 'they're not for me but why not? I'll go along!' And when I got there, everyone was dancing They were all English and dancing so Englishly! And I thought to myself 'How can they be wrong on UK independence when they're so right on party?' I got a letter today from the UK Independence Party They're really not my bag but they EU's full of Communists I got a letter today, it was written in blood And the blood was beautiful like really good blood And at the party there were a couple of black people But they said they'd been born here so they were welcome too They seemed so English, we didn't need to hide our wallets I mean we still did but we really didn't need to And that's the point, they were black people And we were absolutely fine with it Woah-oh! Woah-oh! We're the UK Independence Party Woah-oh! Woah-oh! We think we're still at war with France Woah-oh! Woah-oh! We're the UK Independence Party Woah-oh! Woah-oh! Never mind, let's just dance Hey Paddy, we love UKIP so much we should probably have sex with it! What, like a threesome? Yes, a Farage à trois. You need to vote for us in the European Elections cause British people have no say in the European Elections Apart from voting in the European Elections In that sense I suppose you have a say in the European Elections Did you know there's no-one left living in Eastern Europe? They've all migrated here to work in health and safety They live off benefits and won't let us watch Jim Davidson They're made in Brussels by a bongo-bongo bunch of sluts Woah-oh-oh, woah-oh-oh We'll make Britain great again Woah-oh-oh, woah-oh-oh Free corn beef for the under fives Woah-oh-oh, woah-oh-oh The Queen's Jubilee will be every day Woah-oh-oh, woah-oh-oh Then we'll retake India Woah-oh! Woah-oh! The UK Independence Party Woah-oh! Woah-oh! Can you imagine if we got in power? Woah-oh! Woah-oh! We haven't got a clue but it's worryingly likely Woah-oh! Woah-oh! All decisions would be made by the Queen Woah-oh! Woah-oh! The UK Independence Party Woah-oh! Woah-oh! We think Britain's an economic power Woah-oh! Woah-oh! Some of us are also in the EDL Woah-oh! Woah-oh! Come on guys, let's just dance!
It was the biggest event of 2013, we were all in it together All we needed was some pageantry, no matter what the weather We needed something to be excited about, now Britain’s got so bleak So why can’t we bury Thatcher every week? If you're a fan of her legacy you could help lay her in the ground And If you're a miner you could get work digging her out Makes for a great Blitz spirit - whichever side you're on So let's lay Maggie under the soil every Wednesday from now on We could change the method weekly to keep everyone happy We could take a boat out to the Falklands and bury her at sea We could burn her then freeze her then stuff her or something, & when we’re finally done We could get NASA to sponsor her and then fire her into the sun. She'll bring us together in death when in life she never did She said there was no such thing as society well - turns out there is We just need a divisive death to be on to a winning streak So come on let's bury Thatcher every week I don't want it to end I don't want it to end It's like the Olympics all over again I don’t want it to end I don’t want it to end It’s like Apollo thirteen multiplied by Ten / That’s Apollo one hundred and thirty I don’t want it to end I don’t want it to end It's the perfect clash of anger and pride We haven't had this much fun since Lady Diana died. So let’s bury Margaret Thatcher fifty-two times every year And all of Britain’s problems will dissolve and disappear It might seem a little morbid but if we had our way We would bury Margaret Thatcher...every every, every every every single day Let’s bury Thatcher Every minute every hour every day We'll bury Thatcher We're sorry about the lady Diana bit Don't worry pretty soon we'll change it to Prince Philip Let's bury Thatcher every week.
To the people of Middle England, in their 50s, 60s, plus We are your progeny, and we love you very much We don’t want to antagonise, don’t want to piss you off But we’re running out of ways to say ‘Enough is enough’ If you read the Daily Mail then you can’t meet your Grandchildren We can’t have hate and bile infiltrate their tiny minds If you read the Daily Express then you can’t see them at all We won’t have your reactionary thoughts around the small We know you only read it for the crossword Yet the crossword book we bought you stays mysteriously unused We know you only need it for the TV guide Yet the views you shared at Christmas were not learned from Countryfile If you read the Daily Mail then you can’t see your Grandchildren We’ll say we don’t know where you live and haven’t for some time If you read the Daily Express we’ll say you’re somewhere we can’t find Cos Gran and Grandpa and their views live in 1959 (Outrage! Immigrants!) So to the people of middle England who have children in their prime Heed our words of caution there’s still lots and lots of time Take up yoga or pilates, learn a language or play whist But be sure to ditch the tabloids that print bilge and prejudice (Europe! Women belong at home!) If you read the Daily Mail then you can’t see your Grandchildren We’ll tell them that you passed away and that’s the end of the that If you read the Daily Express we won’t tell them you exist And your hateful views will die with you and neither will be missed
President Obama, you retired at 55. But playing golf and drinking won’t keep that 'yes we can' alive You led the Free World, ‘til 2017 How’d’ya feel about switching to a smaller, British team? Wherever you were born don’t matter, we won’t enquire You’re British if your birthplace was once part of our empire Like America. Or Kenya. Or anywhere. If it suits us. (We know you're American baby) Prime Minister Obama, you’re the man of the hour Come to the UK and kick the Tories out of power Prime Minister Obama, you’ll leave the Red, White & Blue But luckily the British flag has all those colours too (Well, unless Scotland decides to leave… Ow!) I’m sure you’ll miss Hawaii but the Isle of Wight is fine Don’t need an Oval Office when you’re on the Circle Line We don’t have Thanksgiving or Independence Day But our Morris Dancing Festivals aren’t as racist nowadays Our country might not have the Stars and Stripes, But we've got Beans on Toast and badgers and black pudding and bagpipes And Halfords. And Carling. And Princess Anne. (The Princess Royal is in...) Prime Minister Obama, it might not seem worth it But why would you choose Pumpkin Pie when you could have a crumpet? Prime Minister Obama, we’ll keep our promise It might not be a fair exchange but we’ll give you Boris (Please don’t ever give that prick back) Prime Minister Obama
Give Blood 02:52
Everybody's saying the blood-banks will run dry Every man should give blood because blood saves lives But there's a problem limited donating potential Cos you're not allowed to give blood if you're a homosexual You want us to chip in, you only want certain chips You only want the chips that have been in certain dips But if a starving man is hungry, all he needs is chips Does it really matter what kind of chips? The chips are all the same, don't you know? The chips have all come from the same fucking potato You want us to chip in when the chips are down But we made sweet love so we cannot give blood now For years we were just a platonic pair Now I can't stop looking at your yellow hair Oh I know, my hair is quite yellow It feels so good when it should feel weird I run my fingers through your tiny beard Oh I know, I trimmed it just for you I know you did honey and I appreciate that That night we made sweet love and we cannot give blood now Just cause we've done it, it doesn't mean We're suddenly riddled with STDs Oh I know, your blood is just so clean My blood is so clean you could bathe in it Now listen up I'm not trying to boast But my haemoglobin is better than most Oh I know, your blood is just so red My blood is so red that when I bleed bulls get angry That night we made sweet love and we cannot give blood now We could pretend to be two straight men Who have unprotected sex we'd have a better chance then We think our blood is still a ten out of ten So what if we're attracted to other men? Men men men men Men men men men Men men men men Men men men men Men men men men manly men Woot do doo, do doo doo Give Blood Give Blood Give Blood Not I.
Hey Dad 04:56
Hey Dad, how are you? Yes it's really nice to see you too I see you've got a new patio out here What do I think? Well I think it's a patio I mean it's very hard to have an opinion on patio Dad It's very flat And you stand on it Anyway It's been ages Dad Well we've been touring mostly I guess they just didn't want the show here in Reading Dad Well the Reading Hexagon's a little hard for us to fill, it's over twelve hundred seats so Yes Jim Davidson does sell a lot more tickets than us Dad but I don't personally think that makes him better than us but you're entitled to your opinion Dad Hey Dad, how are you? Yes it's really nice to see you too Dad we've been over this If you use something from The Daily Mail in an argument with me you've got to fact-check it first No you can't just double-check it in the Mail Online Nevermind Anyway I see you've got a UKIP poster in the window Is that what you're going to...? Right Yes I agree Dad, they do have a lot of ideas Doesn't it bother you that quite a lot of those ideas are quite ra- Yes that is what I was gonna say Dad No it's not racist of me to say that UKIP are racist Because they're not a race And because they're quite racist I know you're not a racist Dad I know you've got a black friend called Patrick I know because you always say "I'm gonna go and see my black friend Patrick" You could just say you're gonna see Patrick Dad How did we get to here? Cos you brought me up better than this You taught me how to tie my laces You taught me how to not kill my hamster you taught me how to crack an egg You taught me how to make a frittata So how did we get here? Cos I don't want to believe you could ever let me down Hey Dad, how are you? Yes it's really nice to see you too No I am saying it right Dad - Farage Farage Farage Farage Farage Farage Farage Well if he wanted a French name he had to stay in the EU And that's over Dad Oh don't be ridiculous How on earth is Farage a better man than me? We did one song about the Royal Family and it was a satire Little Prince George is funny looking And neither of his parents are very bright (not they're not) He wouldn't do so well in a meritocratic society But don't worry we don't have one No I don't think we'll be hanged for that Dad Anyway Could you just maybe not vote that way? I dunno Dad, maybe go along and spoil your vote? No, with a pen How did we get to here? Cos you brought me up better than this You taught how to build a fire You taught me how to strike the matches You taught me how to put out a fire We agreed we wouldn't tell Mum So how did we get here? Cos I don't want to believe you could ever let me down
Only the Queen can kill Donald Trump She's nearly 92 What can they do to her? Only the Queen can kill Donald Trump This is her destiny She's been waiting all her life Why has she always been silent? In preparation for this Why has she not had opinions? It was all a ploy Let him come and meet her The Queen knows what to do Let him come to the palace She can strangle like no other Only the Queen can kill Donald Trump Say attempted knighthood but she got too wobbly She's the Queen, she's the Queen, no-one can take her down (/Do it Elizabeth, htebazile ti od, do it Elizabeth, htebazile ti od) Only the Queen can kill Donald Trump


The first true Jonny & The Baptists studio album 'Songs For The Apocalypse'. Recorded and produced in 2018.


released February 12, 2018

1 Swansong
2 Ugly Baby
3 Farage
4 Not A Pub
5 When You Grow Up
6 Boom! (Motherfucker)
7 Do It In The Library
8 Festival Of Me
9 UKIP (Party Song)
10 Let's Bury Thatcher
11 If You Read The Daily Mail
12 Prime Minister Obama
13 Give Blood
14 Hey Dad
15 Only The Queen

All songs written by Jonny Donahoe and Paddy Gervers
With additional material by Will Young
Produced by Rob Sell and Paddy Gervers
Engineered and mixed by Rob Sell and Tom Kay
Mastered by Tom Kay

Jonny Donahoe - Vocals (1-15)
Paddy Gervers - Guitars (1-15), Vocals (1-15), Orchestral Arranging & Programming (1,15), Claps (4), Clicks (4), Harmonica (5), Bass (6), Drum Programming (6,15)
Rob Sell - Orchestral Arranging & Programming (1,3,11,12,15), Drum Programming (2,3,5,6,11,13,15), Keys/Synths/Organ (3,9,10,11,12), Saxophones (3,12), Claps (4), Clicks (13)
Alice Bonifacio - Vocals (2,4,5,11,12,15), Violin (4,5,7,10), Claps (4)
Loz Garratt - Double Bass (2,4,7,11,13), Electric Bass (3,8,10,12)
Tom Worrall - Drums (1,7,8,10), Keys/organ (2,8,10,14)
George Hogg - Trumpet (2,12,13,14)
Laurie Havelock - Viola (7,8,10)
Tom Kay - String Arranging (7,10)
Daniel Thomas - Drums (9,12)
Josh Middleton - Accordion (4)
Sam Odiwe - Electric Bass (9)
Michael Kamara - Vocals (9)
Seth Tackaberry - Electric Bass (1)

Nothing would be possible without Josie Long and Benedict Lombe. Special thanks to Rachel Lepley for the food, patience and love; and Fred Godfrey for turning a box into a mixing space. Huge thanks also to Amy Butterworth, Sam Campbell, Zac Cole, Janet Dignan & Bill Young, Sam Dyson, Walter & Jess Gervers, James, Janet & Emily Gervers, Laurie Havelock, Oli Horton, Tom Kay, Anna Knight, Azmeena Ladha & John Monks, Ben Monks, Kathryn Mullan, Kirsty Newton, James Rowland, Mark Thomas, James Utechin, and Ruby the Rottweiler.


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Jonny & The Baptists London, UK

Nominated for five major awards (they’ve never won any), Jonny & the Baptists – real names Jonny
Donahoe & Paddy Gervers – have rapidly become one of the UK's hottest live musical comedy acts. They've featured on 'The Now Show' (BBC Radio 4), 'The Infinite Monkey Cage' (BBC R4), 'The Gadget Show' (Channel 5) and 'Sketchorama' (BBC R4). They once topped the iTunes Comedy Chart
with single ‘Farage’.
... more

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