Jonny & The Baptists

by Jonny & The Baptists

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1.
Hear they're gonna tear down all the libraries Don't want kids reading so I'm told Where will the old folks go when it's cold outside? Where will the young go when they're old? Can't shut them down if we make the groovy We've got a plan to get folks hooked We'll put the fun back into public funded resource We'll put the 'oo' back into books Let's go and do it in the library Let's go and do it by the book (Sss) Let's go and do it in the library Let's go and fuck while read...books In self help books - it's onanism time The religion section - missionary style In mathematics - we sixty-nine We get hot and heavy - like a bibliophile A bibliophile is a lover of books, said a bibliophile is a lover of books We'll wear protection - in self-defence And in the index room - dewey-decimal sex And in Greek Mythology - it gets fucking intense And in the children's section - we do not go near the children's section We do not go near the children's section We've got conservatives and liberals Idiots and intellectuals But an open mind's essential in the library We've got arts and crafts on thursdays We've got S&M on fridays But we're sometimes shut on wednesdays - it's a library We are not afraid to publicise The paper-cuts between our thighs You can never privatise the library So come and join our protest It's a fucking mental sex-fest So come dressed up or come undressed to the library You can get a vajazzle - in interior design In autobiography - that's where I get mine In modern drama - we could do it in mime But come in the books - you'll have to pay a fine Don't come in the books you'll have to pay a fine Stop coming in the books it's really not fine Let's go and do it in the library Let's go and do it by the book (Sss) Let's go and do it in the library Let's go and fuck while read...books
2.
3.
Robert 02:10
You tell me you don't love me In the Sainsbury's on the Mile Let's divide up our lives In the cheese and yoghurt aisle We've no money to speak of We've no fruit of our loins The only thing we share is Joint Nectar Points I was gonna by a juicer with those A juicer for us I thought our love would last forever But I should've saved my breath Because nothing lasts forever except Polythene and death So buy yourself a juicer With our reward scheme gain And you can make a smoothie of my Tears and my pain And feed them to Robert 'Cause Robert gets you Well I'm the one who loves you Should be me with you not Robert He's the one who should be here Weeping at the yoghurt When the checkout girl comes over and says 'Can I lend a hand, sir?' Not unless you've got a knife to Cut out the cancer That is Robert Fucking Robert Did I disappoint you? Did I ever let you down? Did I disappoint you? Did I tell you I adored you too many times? Was it all the trinkets and bullshit I gave you To make you happy? I just wanna make you happy As the whole world crumbles to shit beneath my feet You can go home to Robert Please don't leave me for Robert.
4.
Quentin Blake is coming up my garden Quentin Blake is trampling my chrysanthemums Quentin Blake is wearing his pajamas Quentin Blake is brandishing a hammer Quentin Blake is smashing up my windows Quentin Blake is covered in his own blood Quentin Blake is hammering my front door Quentin Blake is calling out his own name Quentin Blake is coming up the stairs now Quentin Blake thinks we are in the closet Not this time Blake! We're not in the closet Take that Blake! We won't do that a third time Quentin Blake doesn't know we're in attic It's so silent you could hear a pin drop 'Now Ball! Now Ball!' Michael Ball comes flying Michael Ball has leapt down from the ceiling Michael Ball is wielding a machete Quentin strikes - Ball's no match for the Quentin Quentin sees us Quentin hears us No Blake! Stop Blake! For the love of God Blake!
5.
Give Blood 02:54
Everyone is telling us the blood-banks are dry Every man should give blood because blood saves lives But there's a law that limits donating potential Because you're not allowed to give blood if you're a homosexual You want us to all chip in but you only want certain chips You only want the chips that have been in certain dips But if a starving man is hungry, all he needs is chips Does it really matter what kind of chips? The chips are all the same, don't you know? The chips have all come from the same fucking potato We wanna chip in, when the chips are down But we made sweet love so we cannot give blood now For years we were just a platonic pair Now I can't stop looking at your yellow hair Oh I know, my hair is quite yellow It feels so good when it should feel weird I run my fingers through your tiny beard Oh I know, I trimmed it just for you I know you did honey and I appreciate that That night we made sweet love and we cannot give blood now Just cause we've done it, it doesn't mean We're suddenly riddled with STDs Oh I know, your blood is just so clean My blood is so clean you could bathe in it Now listen up I'm not trying to boast But my haemoglobin is better than most Oh I know, your blood is just so red My blood is so red that when I bleed bulls get angry That night we made sweet love and we cannot give blood now We could pretend to be two straight men Who have unprotected sex we'd have a better chance then We think our blood is still a ten out of ten So what if we're attracted to other men? Men men men men Men men men men Men men men men Men men men men Men men men men manly men Woot do doo, do doo doo Give Blood Give Blood Give Blood Not I.
6.
You've got a terrible face You've got a terrible face You've got a terrible face You've got a terrible face You've got a horrible face You've got a horrible face You've got a horrible face But you're rich.
7.
Not A Pub 01:53
Where have all the old men gone? They are not here there's something wrong My feet are tired, my mouth is dry I want half a mild and scampi fries But you've got staff with asymmetric hair And you've written the word 'gastro' everywhere I want ales in jugs, I wanna listen to Suggs I wanna be where the air is thick with bugs I want pickled eggs and scratchings not hummus and pitta What do you mean you don't serve bitter? These staff don't need work they need a babysitter You're a pub not a hipster, how can you be on twitter? You are not a pub If your lights turn on a 11.01 You are not a pub If your landlord isn't just a little bit racist You are not a pub If every other drinker is writing a novel You are not a pub Jugs of cocktails, some of them with milk in You are not a pub If your fruit machine has been replaced with a DJ You are not a pub No of course I don't want you to make me a mocha You are not a pub If you have more than one variety of wine You are not a pub If you order Apple Sourz and it's available Wifi - Not a pub Thai Food - Not a pub Twitterfeed - Not a pub Tapenade - Not a pub Nametags - Not a pub Instagram - What? Soy Milk - Not a pub Dubstep - What the fuck? Bon Iver - Not a pub Ramakins - (sigh) Wasabi Peas - (sigh) Vegans - (sigh) Scrillex - Not a pub Tealights - hmnrgh Buhduhbuh - hrm duh nuh Hm nr rghs - frh nrgh You are not a pub.
8.
Grandpère 01:16
(French)
9.
Her eyes are perfect, her face like an Eden Symmetrically balanced like a peacock Her long hair shimmers like a follicle beacon Like a lighthouse made of Timotei and breezeblocks She's just like Jesus In female form Send down to please us A rose with no thorn Unless you needed a thorn, in which case she's got one. Because she's perfect. Perfect specimen of the human race Most beautiful, most gentle and most smartest Like a priceless piece of artwork she can't be replaced And like a masterpiece she can only be touched up by an artist She's just like Mohammed But better in bed Don't need to move no mountain She moves me instead Any fundamentalists in the house? Little bit risky that one. Oh thank God. Except perfection is a fallacy And that is why you're leaving me How can you be the perfect lover when you're too busy Fucking Robert Turns out the only perfect thing about you Was the way you hid your love for him The way you kept your lies within 'Look me in the eye' you said 'You built me up too high' you said That's why it all came crashing down So fast when I walked in and found you Sucking off the man who was meant to fix the roof But instead He fixed the roof of your vagina And never did fix my roof neither Robert Robert.
10.
I was walking through the waters of loneliness Falling through the passage of time I knocked upon the doorway of metaphor Fate answered and led me inside He offered me the goblet of marriage He served it with the biscuit of chance I overdid it on the figurative fig-rolls Then the Devil came to ask me to dance And he said 'Jonny I've been watching you from afar I know that you're lonely Give me your soul and I will Cure your broken heart' And he offered me his magical contract I signed it with the biro of Christ He led me to my damsel of destiny Who'd been stood up in the Nando's of life Abandoned by the fairytale ending Nothing left but a refillable Sprite And the Devil said 'This is your future' He reached inside me and pulled out his prize And she said 'Devil You promised me a tall man with hair This is not what I ordered' But the Devil just laughed And disappeared into thin air So I said to her 'You're no fairytale princess I'm no knight in no armour But the Devil has offered us And average ever-after You don't wanna be with me I don't think you're all that But the alternative's the box marked single And this is better than that' Oh yeah This is better than that This is marginally better than that So we settled for a house on the outskirts 'Cause we can't afford to live where it's nice We got ourselves a dog and a baby 'Cause the benefits exceeded the price We wanted to try for another But we can't even bear to kiss We sold our souls to the Devil And all we got in return was this Shouldn't have sold my soul to the Devil I guess that's why they say 'Don't sell your soul to the Devil' 'You're occasionally racist I'm quite bitter in bed But you'll get child maintenance And tax breaks when I'm dead You take your ring off at parties I'm getting unpleasantly fat The alternative's a dinner for one And this is better than that' Is this better than that? I'm not convinced this is better than that This is the outro, this is the outro This is the outro, this is the outro This is the outro, this is the outro This is the outro, this is the motherfucking outro Da da dee da dada, da da dee da dada, dada Ha, Ha, Ha, Haiayyyy Da da dee da dada, da da hoo oooooOOOoooh Da da dee da dada, Da da dee da dada, and We haven't written words to this bit Ooooooooooooooooh It's a metaphor It's a metaphor It's a metaphor It's a quite laboured metaphor About social pressures Don't succumb to social pressures It's a metaphor
11.
2, 3, 4 Don't sell syringes to the poor Mrs Wiggins Don't sell syringes to the poor They'll put them in their face And that would be a waste So don't sell syringes to the poor I told you Don't put your hand in the reactor Mr Mansell Don't put your hand too near the core Don't put your hand in there You'll get protons everywhere So don't put your hand too near the core TOTTENHAM.

about

The debut album from 'Jonny & The Baptists'.

Track listing:
1. Do It In The Library
2. Upper Middle Class Gangster Children
3. Robert
4. Quentin Blake
5. Give Blood
6. Terrible Face
7. Not A Pub
8. Grandpère
9. Perfect Woman
10. The Goblet Of Marriage
11. Ol' Mama Wiggins

credits

released October 10, 2013

All songs written and performed by Jonny & The Baptists, produced and mixed by Oli Horton at Dreamtrak, Engineered by Sam Dyson at Free House Studios.

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about

Jonny & The Baptists London, UK

Nominated for five major awards (they’ve never won any), Jonny & the Baptists – real names Jonny
Donahoe & Paddy Gervers – have rapidly become one of the UK's hottest live musical comedy acts. They've featured on 'The Now Show' (BBC Radio 4), 'The Infinite Monkey Cage' (BBC R4), 'The Gadget Show' (Channel 5) and 'Sketchorama' (BBC R4). They once topped the iTunes Comedy Chart
with single ‘Farage’.
... more

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