Jonny & The Baptists

by Jonny & The Baptists

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about

The debut album from 'Jonny & The Baptists'.

Track listing:
1. Do It In The Library
2. Upper Middle Class Gangster Children
3. Robert
4. Quentin Blake
5. Give Blood
6. Terrible Face
7. Not A Pub
8. Grandpère
9. Perfect Woman
10. The Goblet Of Marriage
11. Ol' Mama Wiggins

credits

released October 10, 2013

All songs written and performed by Jonny & The Baptists, produced and mixed by Oli Horton at Dreamtrak, Engineered by Sam Dyson at Free House Studios.

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about

Jonny & The Baptists London, UK

Comedy band 'Jonny & The Baptists' (Jonny Donahoe and Paddy Gervers) have risen rapidly to cult-status in the last year, making the finals of the 'Amused Moose Laughter Awards', the '2013 New Act of the Year Awards' and the 'Musical Comedy Awards', and being featured on 'The Now Show' (BBC Radio 4), 'The Infinite Monkey Cage' (BBC R4), 'The Gadget Show' (Channel 5) and 'Sketchorama' (BBC R4) ... more

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Track Name: Do It In The Library
Hear they're gonna tear down all the libraries
Don't want kids reading so I'm told
Where will the old folks go when it's cold outside?
Where will the young go when they're old?

Can't shut them down if we make the groovy
We've got a plan to get folks hooked
We'll put the fun back into public funded resource
We'll put the 'oo' back into books

Let's go and do it in the library
Let's go and do it by the book (Sss)
Let's go and do it in the library
Let's go and fuck while read...books

In self help books - it's onanism time
The religion section - missionary style
In mathematics - we sixty-nine
We get hot and heavy - like a bibliophile
A bibliophile is a lover of books, said a bibliophile is a lover of books
We'll wear protection - in self-defence
And in the index room - dewey-decimal sex
And in Greek Mythology - it gets fucking intense
And in the children's section - we do not go near the children's section
We do not go near the children's section

We've got conservatives and liberals
Idiots and intellectuals
But an open mind's essential in the library

We've got arts and crafts on thursdays
We've got S&M on fridays
But we're sometimes shut on wednesdays - it's a library

We are not afraid to publicise
The paper-cuts between our thighs
You can never privatise the library

So come and join our protest
It's a fucking mental sex-fest
So come dressed up or come undressed to the library

You can get a vajazzle - in interior design
In autobiography - that's where I get mine
In modern drama - we could do it in mime
But come in the books - you'll have to pay a fine
Don't come in the books you'll have to pay a fine
Stop coming in the books it's really not fine

Let's go and do it in the library
Let's go and do it by the book (Sss)
Let's go and do it in the library
Let's go and fuck while read...books
Track Name: Robert
You tell me you don't love me
In the Sainsbury's on the Mile
Let's divide up our lives
In the cheese and yoghurt aisle
We've no money to speak of
We've no fruit of our loins
The only thing we share is
Joint Nectar Points
I was gonna by a juicer with those
A juicer for us

I thought our love would last forever
But I should've saved my breath
Because nothing lasts forever except
Polythene and death
So buy yourself a juicer
With our reward scheme gain
And you can make a smoothie of my
Tears and my pain
And feed them to Robert
'Cause Robert gets you

Well I'm the one who loves you
Should be me with you not Robert
He's the one who should be here
Weeping at the yoghurt
When the checkout girl comes over and says
'Can I lend a hand, sir?'
Not unless you've got a knife to
Cut out the cancer
That is Robert
Fucking Robert

Did I disappoint you?
Did I ever let you down?
Did I disappoint you?
Did I tell you I adored you too many times?
Was it all the trinkets and bullshit I gave you
To make you happy?
I just wanna make you happy
As the whole world crumbles to shit beneath my feet

You can go home to Robert
Please don't leave me for Robert.
Track Name: Quentin Blake
Quentin Blake is coming up my garden
Quentin Blake is trampling my chrysanthemums
Quentin Blake is wearing his pajamas
Quentin Blake is brandishing a hammer
Quentin Blake is smashing up my windows
Quentin Blake is covered in his own blood
Quentin Blake is hammering my front door
Quentin Blake is calling out his own name
Quentin Blake is coming up the stairs now
Quentin Blake thinks we are in the closet

Not this time Blake!
We're not in the closet
Take that Blake!
We won't do that a third time

Quentin Blake doesn't know we're in attic
It's so silent you could hear a pin drop
'Now Ball! Now Ball!'
Michael Ball comes flying
Michael Ball has leapt down from the ceiling
Michael Ball is wielding a machete
Quentin strikes - Ball's no match for the Quentin

Quentin sees us
Quentin hears us
No Blake!
Stop Blake!
For the love of God Blake!
Track Name: Give Blood
Everyone is telling us the blood-banks are dry
Every man should give blood because blood saves lives
But there's a law that limits donating potential
Because you're not allowed to give blood if you're a homosexual
You want us to all chip in but you only want certain chips
You only want the chips that have been in certain dips
But if a starving man is hungry, all he needs is chips
Does it really matter what kind of chips?
The chips are all the same, don't you know?
The chips have all come from the same fucking potato
We wanna chip in, when the chips are down
But we made sweet love so we cannot give blood now

For years we were just a platonic pair
Now I can't stop looking at your yellow hair
Oh I know, my hair is quite yellow

It feels so good when it should feel weird
I run my fingers through your tiny beard
Oh I know, I trimmed it just for you
I know you did honey and I appreciate that
That night we made sweet love and we cannot give blood now

Just cause we've done it, it doesn't mean
We're suddenly riddled with STDs
Oh I know, your blood is just so clean
My blood is so clean you could bathe in it
Now listen up I'm not trying to boast
But my haemoglobin is better than most
Oh I know, your blood is just so red
My blood is so red that when I bleed bulls get angry
That night we made sweet love and we cannot give blood now

We could pretend to be two straight men
Who have unprotected sex we'd have a better chance then
We think our blood is still a ten out of ten
So what if we're attracted to other men?

Men men men men
Men men men men
Men men men men
Men men men men
Men men men men manly men
Woot do doo, do doo doo

Give Blood
Give Blood
Give Blood
Not I.
Track Name: Terrible Face
You've got a terrible face
You've got a terrible face
You've got a terrible face
You've got a terrible face
You've got a horrible face
You've got a horrible face
You've got a horrible face
But you're rich.
Track Name: Not A Pub
Where have all the old men gone?
They are not here there's something wrong
My feet are tired, my mouth is dry
I want half a mild and scampi fries
But you've got staff with asymmetric hair
And you've written the word 'gastro' everywhere
I want ales in jugs, I wanna listen to Suggs
I wanna be where the air is thick with bugs
I want pickled eggs and scratchings not hummus and pitta
What do you mean you don't serve bitter?
These staff don't need work they need a babysitter
You're a pub not a hipster, how can you be on twitter?

You are not a pub
If your lights turn on a 11.01
You are not a pub
If your landlord isn't just a little bit racist
You are not a pub
If every other drinker is writing a novel
You are not a pub
Jugs of cocktails, some of them with milk in
You are not a pub
If your fruit machine has been replaced with a DJ
You are not a pub
No of course I don't want you to make me a mocha
You are not a pub
If you have more than one variety of wine
You are not a pub
If you order Apple Sourz and it's available

Wifi - Not a pub
Thai Food - Not a pub
Twitterfeed - Not a pub
Tapenade - Not a pub
Nametags - Not a pub
Instagram - What?
Soy Milk - Not a pub
Dubstep - What the fuck?
Bon Iver - Not a pub
Ramakins - (sigh)
Wasabi Peas - (sigh)
Vegans - (sigh)
Scrillex - Not a pub
Tealights - hmnrgh
Buhduhbuh - hrm duh nuh
Hm nr rghs - frh nrgh

You are not a pub.
Track Name: Grandpère
(French)
Track Name: Perfect Woman
Her eyes are perfect, her face like an Eden
Symmetrically balanced like a peacock
Her long hair shimmers like a follicle beacon
Like a lighthouse made of Timotei and breezeblocks

She's just like Jesus
In female form
Send down to please us
A rose with no thorn

Unless you needed a thorn, in which case she's got one. Because she's perfect.

Perfect specimen of the human race
Most beautiful, most gentle and most smartest
Like a priceless piece of artwork she can't be replaced
And like a masterpiece she can only be touched up by an artist

She's just like Mohammed
But better in bed
Don't need to move no mountain
She moves me instead

Any fundamentalists in the house? Little bit risky that one. Oh thank God.

Except perfection is a fallacy
And that is why you're leaving me
How can you be the perfect lover when you're too busy
Fucking Robert
Turns out the only perfect thing about you
Was the way you hid your love for him
The way you kept your lies within
'Look me in the eye' you said
'You built me up too high' you said
That's why it all came crashing down
So fast when I walked in and found you
Sucking off the man who was meant to fix the roof
But instead
He fixed the roof of your vagina
And never did fix my roof neither

Robert
Robert.
Track Name: The Goblet Of Marriage
I was walking through the waters of loneliness
Falling through the passage of time
I knocked upon the doorway of metaphor
Fate answered and led me inside
He offered me the goblet of marriage
He served it with the biscuit of chance
I overdid it on the figurative fig-rolls
Then the Devil came to ask me to dance

And he said 'Jonny
I've been watching you from afar
I know that you're lonely
Give me your soul and I will
Cure your broken heart'

And he offered me his magical contract
I signed it with the biro of Christ
He led me to my damsel of destiny
Who'd been stood up in the Nando's of life
Abandoned by the fairytale ending
Nothing left but a refillable Sprite
And the Devil said 'This is your future'
He reached inside me and pulled out his prize

And she said 'Devil
You promised me a tall man with hair
This is not what I ordered'
But the Devil just laughed
And disappeared into thin air
So I said to her

'You're no fairytale princess
I'm no knight in no armour
But the Devil has offered us
And average ever-after
You don't wanna be with me
I don't think you're all that
But the alternative's the box marked single
And this is better than that'
Oh yeah
This is better than that
This is marginally better than that

So we settled for a house on the outskirts
'Cause we can't afford to live where it's nice
We got ourselves a dog and a baby
'Cause the benefits exceeded the price
We wanted to try for another
But we can't even bear to kiss
We sold our souls to the Devil
And all we got in return was this

Shouldn't have sold my soul to the Devil
I guess that's why they say
'Don't sell your soul to the Devil'

'You're occasionally racist
I'm quite bitter in bed
But you'll get child maintenance
And tax breaks when I'm dead
You take your ring off at parties
I'm getting unpleasantly fat
The alternative's a dinner for one
And this is better than that'
Is this better than that?
I'm not convinced this is better than that

This is the outro, this is the outro
This is the outro, this is the outro
This is the outro, this is the outro
This is the outro, this is the motherfucking outro

Da da dee da dada, da da dee da dada, dada
Ha, Ha, Ha, Haiayyyy
Da da dee da dada, da da hoo oooooOOOoooh
Da da dee da dada, Da da dee da dada, and
We haven't written words to this bit
Ooooooooooooooooh
It's a metaphor
It's a metaphor
It's a metaphor
It's a quite laboured metaphor
About social pressures
Don't succumb to social pressures
It's a metaphor
Track Name: Ol' Mama Wiggins
2, 3, 4

Don't sell syringes to the poor Mrs Wiggins
Don't sell syringes to the poor
They'll put them in their face
And that would be a waste
So don't sell syringes to the poor

I told you

Don't put your hand in the reactor Mr Mansell
Don't put your hand too near the core
Don't put your hand in there
You'll get protons everywhere
So don't put your hand too near the core
TOTTENHAM.