Eat The Poor (Live)

by Jonny & The Baptists

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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Love You & Hate Bastards, Songs For The Apocalypse, Eat The Poor (Live), The End Is Nigh (Limited Edition Demo), The Satiric Verses, The Farage EP, Bigger Than Judas (Live In London), and Jonny & The Baptists. , and , .

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    The limited run CD of the songs from our 2016/2017 show 'Jonny & The Baptists: Eat The Poor'- get 'em while they're hot/there! We can even sign it too if you're into that - leave a note with your name/who'd you like it for/something specific you'd like us to write on it!

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1.
Swansong 02:48
Our country's so unequal, we still bow down to the Queen We'd love to ditch the Royals and their elitist regime They're too popular to topple, their reign goes on and on And if that wasn't bad enough the Queen owns all the swans So we'll nationalise the swans Free them from her reign If they can break your arm Then we can break their chains Then we'll turn them on the Queen An army made of swans And we'll give them small guitars And teach them protest songs And they'll go Honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk free the people Honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk give us more bread Emancipate the swans They'll emancipate us too The Swan Liberation Army Will make all our dreams come true They'll save the NHS And bring back free school meals Then they'll save BHS With their feathery leftwing zeal But the swans have gone fucking mad And everything's gone wrong They're honking and biting and hissing and fucking And everything's covered in swans The power's gone to their heads And their heads are really small We need actual social reform Instead we've got angry swans And they go Honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk we're in charge now Honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk where's my bread? [Swan noises and shouting about Swans] SWANS.
2.
Short Songs 00:56
1. Little Prince George is funny looking And neither of his parents are very bright He wouldn't do so well in a meritocratic society But don't worry we don't have one 2. Whoops there's your bum 3. You take some chords and you write some words And you sing the words and there might be a rhyme But sometimes there's not and that makes you laugh Cos you're easily led
3.
PADDY: Some of us were voting tactically JONNY: Some wanted money for the NHS PADDY: Some of us were scared of World War Three JONNY: Some of us read the Daily Express JONNY; Some wanted one thing but voted the other JONNY; And didn't understand what a referendum was PADDY: And who can blame them, after first past the post JONNY: Which is about as democratic as duck duck goose PADDY: So why did we Brexit, BOTH: And is that a verb? PADDY: Was Bremain a word as well? JONNY: Did they lose 'cos that portmanteau's rubbish? JONNY: What is the plural of referendum? PADDY: Is it refendum or referenda JONNY: I think referendum is a gerund PADDY: What's a gerund? JONNY: It's a sort of present participle PADDY: Have you checked the dictionary? JONNY: Yes I looked earlier, both plurals are accepted PADDY: Does that mean that both sides are correct? JONNY: No, it means the argument will never end BOTH: So why did we Brexit? BOTH: And is that a verb? PADDY: No one liked the campaign JONNY: No one voted for Theresa May
4.
Philip Hammond, Caroline Spelman, Dominic Grieve, David Cameron Andrew Mitchell, Theresa May, Ken Clarke, Zac Goldsmith Andrew Lloyd-Webber, Michelle Mone, Anthony Bamford, Karren Brady Simon Wolfson, Jonathan Marland, George Osborne, Karan Bilimoria Stanley Kalms, Stanley Fink, Philip Harris, Stephen Green Jeremy Hunt, Sebastian Coe, Sebastian Coe What a bunch of dickvalves, what a load of tit quest a l'orange What a bunch of dickvalves, what a lotta of salmon, wangos, frube? Philip Hammond Bum Puffin Caroline Spelman No Shadow Dominic Grieve Tool-job David Cameron Anti-Falcon Andrew Mitchell Strunk Theresa May Nut Platter Ken Clarke Smell Gift Zac Goldsmith Ham Salad Andrew Lloyd-Webber Whelk Michelle Mone Spam Shagger Anthony Bamford Frog Nugget Karren Brady Smelly Bottom Simon Wolfson Poo Head Jonathan Marland Awful Face George Osborne Goose Plopper Karen Bilimoria Babum Kiliboria Stanley Kalms Oh no Stanley Fink I'm tired Philip Harris Y-Front Stephen Green Professor of Butts Jeremy Hunt Oh no Sebastian Coe Sebastian Coe Sebastian Coe Sebastian Coe Sebastian Coe What a bunch of dickvalves, what a load of tit quest a l'orange (You know they’re all a bunch of) dickvalves, what a lotta of salmon, wangos, frube Balalalalalalalala, Balalalalalalalala Balalalalalalalala, Balalalalala Hu?
5.
It was the biggest event of 2013, we were all in it together All we needed was some pageantry, no matter what the weather We needed something to be excited about, now Britain’s got so bleak So why can’t we bury Thatcher every week? If you're a fan of her legacy you could help lay her in the ground And If you're a miner you could get work digging her out We just need a divisive death, to be onto a winning streak So come on let’s bury Thatcher every week We could change the method weekly to keep everyone happy We could take a boat out to the Falklands and try burying her at sea We could burn her then freeze her then stuff her or something, & when we’re finally done We could get NASA to sponsor her and then fire her into the sun. I don't want it to end I don't want it to end It's like the Olympics all over again I don’t want it to end I don’t want it to end It’s like Apollo thirteen multiplied by Ten / That’s Apollo one hundred and thirty I don’t want it to end I don’t want it to end It's the perfect clash of anger and pride We haven't had this much fun since Lady Diana died. So let’s bury Margaret Thatcher fifty-two times every year And all of Britain’s problems will dissolve and disappear It may seem a little morbid but if we had our way We would bury Margaret Thatcher...every every, every every every single day Let’s bury Thatcher Ha-juh, whuh? Oh-oh. Let's bury Thatcher every week.
6.
So seriously guys, have you heard the news? There's a magazine out there, that's telling the truth It's glossy and shiny, but it's still got bite It's in full colour, but everyone's white Let's open it up, take a look at this Tatler Let's get the list, of the people who really matter At number 40, Jerry Hall. Jerry's a former model and muse with frankly amazing taste in men. At number 35, Felicity Jones. Felicity's got it all - beauty, brains, and a truly excellent collection of hats These people really matter guys, cos if it wasn't for them … There wouldn't be as many hats That was probably just the early numbers, just filler. At number 29, Holly Branson. Sir Richard Branson's daughter has now joined the family firm. At 14. Count Nicholai Von Bismark. The last Prime Minister of Prussia? I thought he’d died in 1898. This must be a relative. These people really matter guys, cos if it wasn't for them There wouldn't be people related to someone who once ran Prussia. At number 9. Prince Harry. Can you imagine a world without Prince Harry? Yes. It's better. At number 5. The Queen. The queen is everyone's favourite monarch. I suppose... I'm a big fan of King Karl Gustav of Sweden? These people really matter guys, cos if it wasn't for them I suppose we'd independently govern ourselves. Like the more grown-up bits of the world. These people really matter guys, cos if it wasn't for them
7.
Welcome to the future Most things are the same But we're all now gluten free People live in space We've cured every disease Oh and Mika is massive again Scotland finally left Then came back again, then left again The bees all disappeared But the bees came back as well Stronger, angrier, stingier So we had to give them Scotland We couldn't call it the UK anymore When Wales sank into the sea, and so for sponsorship reasons we're now the United Kingdom of Amazon Prime. Cars now drive themselves. But they also drive each other In a sort of carpool system. Often there is a 'designated driver' so the other cars can just loosen up and live a little. We've run out of dill. Welcome to the future Everything's now privatised. The sky and it's contents Are the property of Sky. With the exception of the moon Which obviously still belongs to Rymans. Welcome to the future We don't have flying cars But poverty and inequality are spiralling Towards a ghettoised police state Because of the unstoppable progression of the neoliberal rightwing agenda But it's fine for me, I'm rich
8.
You didn't like my beard I didn't like the fact that you'd been previously married to Rupert Murdoch We met at one of those parties We were introduced across the ice sculpture of Mika I didn't like your handbag You didn’t like the fact that I’d got egg all down me But when we locked eyes it felt like Jesus had fallen into my eyes And I was so drunk that night I didn't realise you liked me I dropped my cigarette and it was burning a hole through the crotch of my trousers And I was so drunk that night I didn't realise we'd exchanged numbers Then when you called me, I forgot who you were but I pretty much got away with it I was so drunk next morning, I'd have gone for brunch with anyone You were so kind, you gave me three-quarters of your Spanish Omelette And I was so drunk that day, I couldn't believe you'd ever love me We went to see Die Hard and you held my hand when I didn't really like it You didn't like my chuckle I didn't like the fact that you kept inviting over Mick Jagger But when we got married I had Andrew Lloyd Webber give me away And I was so drunk that night on love and wealth and drinking You seemed so quiet, when I stumbled home the following afternoon And I was so drunk that night I didn't hear you say you loved me My jumper was on wrong and I was trying to remember the word serengeti You didn't like my drinking I didn't like the fact that you didnt like my drinking You stayed in bed most days And I tended to sleep in the chair by the cellar I was so drunk that night I didn't see that you were crying I'd spilled my creme de menthe and I'd started to worry the fireplace was listening I was so drunk that night I didn't realise you were leaving I had the radio on and I thought that you were the woman that cleaned here I was so drunk that night I was so drunk that night
9.
Ignore all the bills Waste shopkeeper's time by pretending you could possibly afford something Can't afford blue cheese? Get cheese and wait Can't afford cheese? Get milk and wait a bit longer You can walk instead of the bus Your can try spaghetti without sauce Oh no the bailiff's here Fun things when you're poor Can't afford skiing? Nail your feet to some wood and fall down a thatched roof. Can't afford the pub? There's always an open bar at a wake Can't afford board games? If you don't have monopoly, just walk around London. You can share a lukewarm bath You can make an origami hat Oh no, someone stole your hat Fun things when you're poor Develop new adjectives for describing wine. Mmmmm this is less petrolly than I remember. And if you don't like the taste of cheap wine Why not try lowering your standards? Can't afford to see the Greek plays? Create that drama in your own life by murdering your father and screwing your mother You can sit in your only chair You can take a day off with the kids Oh no. You can't. Fun things when you're poor Can't afford the cinema? Watch TV. Can't afford a TV? Look at a picture of a boat Can't afford a picture of a boat? Draw a picture of a boat Can't afford to draw a picture of a boat? Imagine a picture of a boat Never seen a boat? Guess. Your kids can stand in a park Your kids can play with a stick Oh no. The stick has broke. Oh no. The cat has died. Oh no. Michael Gove has thoughts. Oh no. The floods are back.
10.
Friendboat 01:42
I yearn for your companionship Our writing and our penmanship So come aboard and take a trip Cos everybody’s friends on the friendboat On the friendboat Everything is the best There are so many friends and there are only one boat And hey look there’s a guy making omelettes Friendboat Oh wow it’s so good There’s a goose in a hat and there’s a duck in a hat And there’s a guy who’s giving out free hats Friendboat I know our relationship slipped And our happiness now has a rip But a peak always follows a dip Let’s set sail on my the friendboat
11.
You can run and hide But the revolution's here You can close your eyes But the revolution's here You can pick your side But the revolution's here You can't turn the tide Cos the revolution's here [Swan noises] You did nothing but love me I threw away everything we built together I don't know why I did it I think I was under too much Andrew Lloyd Pressure And I was so drunk that night, and I can hear them beating down the door And I was so drunk that night, and I know they'll never let me go And I am so drunk tonight, and now I'm climbing through the mob And I am so drunk tonight, and I'll never quite be free You were so drunk that night, you didn’t see it was me in the crowd And you were so drunk that night, you didn’t hear me say I’d help you You didn't hear me say I'd help you.
12.
Metaphor 03:43
We've known each other for twenty years now We've had our share of ups and downs but I wanted to say to you Yeah, I wanted to say to you You have a very unusual smell I'm not saying it's a bad smell, it's just unusual. And you never have enough crisps. You can play the guitar. But let’s be honest, who can’t? I mean It’s really not that difficult. And everyone loves your long blonde hair But really it just makes you look like Courtney Love. And no one likes Courtney Love. I had long hair once. It doesn’t last. And you know, they say you can’t make an omelette Without breaking eggs But your omelettes are just awful. But … I’d rather be a kitten In a bag full of rocks If you were in the bag with me Than be adopted by a family with no children and lots of string If that meant I’d be without you. We’re cats in this metaphor, by the way We’re cats in this metaphor, by the way [Harmonica solo] You can’t show affection or say how you feel You don’t know how to share at all You’re always eating my crisps, you’re always staring at me And whispering Courtney Love under your breath (but I can hear you) And every time I make you rice pudding You spit it out and say ‘this is the worst omelette I’ve ever eaten’. But I'd rather be a shepherd without any sheep If you ran the pub next door And you'd have no customers and I've have no sheep But we'd drink every night until dawn We're drunk in this metaphor by the way We're drunk in this metaphor by the way
13.
Swansong II 01:11
The swans don't let us out now They keep us as their slaves They make us dance and eat our young In the Swantalitarian state We should have read Animal farm But we just made money instead Our wealth and our money did nothing to save us Now everything's paid for in bread And they go honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk do the dance Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk Honk, honk, praise the swan
14.
Ignore all the bills. Move to Turks & Caicos Go out for coffee, buy a newspaper No, I mean buy a newspaper company. Accidentally print a photo of your own bottom. Sell the newspaper. Fun things when you're rich! Fun things when you're rich! Rude waiter. Buy the restaurant, have him fired. Rename restaurant I hate Pierre. Enjoy a bath? Hire a bath chef. My bath chef Costas does a weekend bath tasting menu. Amuse bath. Fish bath. Main bath. Coffee and Bathters. Fish bath awful, but what can you do? Fun things when you're rich! Fun things when you're rich! Develop a fun drug problem. Rich drugs are much less debilitating. Columbian flake, Aderol, Laudnam. Snowplow. Peaky Blinders. Downtonium. Bourgeois nitrate. Gillet. Mossack Fonseca Fun things when you're rich! Fun things when you're - I'm so rich now, my songs don't actually need an ending.

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The live album of the songs from our show 'Jonny & The Baptists: Eat The Poor', taken from shows over the course of 2016.

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released November 11, 2016

All songs written and performed by Jonny & The Baptists (c) 2016. Recorded and mixed by Matt Blair, Paddy Gervers & Will Young. Live at the Distraction Club (1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 12), ARGCOM Festival (9, 10), Bedfringe (3) and Guildford Fringe (5, 11, 13). Photo by Anna Soderblom.

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Jonny & The Baptists London, UK

Nominated for five major awards (they’ve never won any), Jonny & the Baptists – real names Jonny
Donahoe & Paddy Gervers – have rapidly become one of the UK's hottest live musical comedy acts. They've featured on 'The Now Show' (BBC Radio 4), 'The Infinite Monkey Cage' (BBC R4), 'The Gadget Show' (Channel 5) and 'Sketchorama' (BBC R4). They once topped the iTunes Comedy Chart
with single ‘Farage’.
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